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I call them C3POs - remember Star Wars? We are doomed. We are doomed. That's the kind of "Let's just give up" attitude that people should stop immediately.
VIP Party: What season? Is it an indoors or outdoors party?
...that people should stop immediately by adding UNLESS at the end of a sentence:
"I don't think this will work UNLESS we..."
By adding that simple word, you force yourself to think of solutions instead of indulging in despair.
-Swearing, every time you swear give a dollar to charity, start doubling if needed.
-Smoking, there's a lot of ways for this...
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
How about an awesome game of capture the flag at a park or beach. Winner gets a prize.
I have played with the idea of using a wristband as a reminder of our mortality("Life is Not A Dress Rehearsal" on my blog) but this idea is more action orientated. I like it.
Keep up the life experiments - they benefit us all!
A
I like to think about the "other side" of ideas and projects - to make my mind work a little harder and be more challenged...so, what about the reverse process: goal would be to switch wristband everyday I complete a task, or habit I'm working towards ex: each time I do something I'm afraid to do; each time I get the "big" project done first thing in the day; everytime I wait to get to my email; refused to allow someone or something to interrupt my goal, get my "two" big things done in the day..etc. I like this idea and I'm going to go find one of those wristbands and do it! Have a great trip! Thanks for an AWESOME life-styling book!
Tim,
Great post.
The other behavior that people should stop is negative self talk. Instead, train the mind to see successful outcomes. As you mentioned, thoughts are the seeds of actions.
As for your party question, give everyone the bracelet that you mentioned above and find a way to keep score. During the party this will surely spark conversation. I am sure people will leave the party thinking about the experience. Also, since they are VIPs a few of them may even spread the ideas to their organizations.
Keep the posts coming. I really enjoy your insights.
On the topic of another behavior to change: it would be great to see people treat service industry workers with the same respect they afford doctors and other 'professionals'.
It isn't hard, but it is amazing how many times I've seen travelers treat airline employees horribly for delays that weren't their fault. How many times do they complain to their doctor for excess waits?
We should make the choice to see and think positive thoughts in what seems like a negative situation. Take every thought captive to avoid letting our mind get lazy and slide into "Stinkin Thinkin" which leads to complaining and even more.
I'm curious; how is being "brutally honest" is going for you? It sound like it would make from some great story's down the road!
With a budget of $1,000 I would rent one of those guys that peddle a type of music cart/box around with a monkey playing a little instrument. I don't know what they are called or if they even have a name but they are certainly unique! That would definitely stand out in my mind.
Pretty much anything from a different culture that we haven't already Americanized would be memorable to me.
They suggest you use the band to condition yourself against using the expression "yeah, but", or more fundamentally that way of thinking. It helps you avoid that whole process of rationalising yourself out of taking action on something you instinctively know is worth a try. For lots of people I think that's the first negativity they need to address, certainly is for me!
In their approach however they suggest you 'snap' the band against your wrist rather than swap it from arm to arm. It's surprisingly effective, although I think I prefer the accumulated progress of the 21 day ladder!
Another behavior that people should stop is nail biting. As crude as this system is, I think slapping yourself in the face each time you bite your nails will get your to stop pretty quickly. Associate enough pain with a behavior, and just like a rat, you will find an alternative.
With a $1000 budget you would have to think outside the box. First, have a dress code of either all pink shirts, polka dots, or something else just as random and casual. Not wearing a suit will get people comfortable, less judgmental, not expecting gourmet Hors D'oeuvres, and just being more fun. Who is going to forget the polka dot party???
Compulsive worrying, without a doubt. It inevitably leads to complaining anyway.
How to stop it? Start placing large cash bets on your so called "worst case scenarios" occurring and see how long it takes you to go broke. Or just use a bracelet. I suppose that would work as well.
As to the bonus question, I would probably scare the living daylights out of these people with a Lynchian, Sawesque, elaborate, but cheap practical joke. They're not going to forget that.
Just read your book. I swear I wrote it ;)
Not knowing what to tell people that you do, making what you used to make in a year in a month etc. I live this. Checkout my blog if you have a second. The latest post particularly where my mother wishes me a happy birthday and says that she hopes I'll always live my life the way I do.
Shoot me an email next time you are in Thailand, we should grab a beer.
Cheers
Bill
The VIP's would be treated to the best most unique foods, musicians and spa treatments I could arrange through networking with new start-up superstar companies in my area who appreciate the value of this kind of exposure. I would use the $1000, if needed, to fill any holes in the experience (decorations, invitations...)but I can't imagine a service or product, except maybe postage, that can't be arranged through connecting.
Getting sidetracked.
When you end up doing something you didn't originally intend to do, you're sidetracked.
For example, you might get an email from a friend, then click a link, and suddenly start reading up on something interesting. (It could even be the 4 Hour Workweek.) If it's not what you originally planned to do, you just disrupted your day. It's not possible to be effective if your day is constantly disrupted.
"Do It Tomorrow" is a great "time management" (actually self-management book) that explains this well. For best results, we should Think -> Decide -> Act. But if you're ineffective, you tend to go with Stimulus -> Response.
There's no real thinking involved - no real using your brain to get the most out of your time and your day. So getting rid of sidetracking is one of the best things you can do to become more effective.
Personal experience also shows that it makes you happier and more satisified. I'm not perfect but I'm getting there. :)
Monkey Grinder
I think that one of the most bothersome traits that some people have is centered around cursing. I went to visit family this past weekend, and my nephew (a freshman in high school) had a reasonably clean mouth for most of the evening. Once he thought that I was asleep and was chatting with his little brother, though, he began sprinkling in 4 letter words so much that his little brother called him on it and told him to clean it up.
I think that cursing in general, even when it isn't used as a complaint and especially when it is used as an unnecessary qualifier, would be a great habit to break using a method like this. The quarter jar approach sometimes works, but not usually.
If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
I'd host a group run through Central Park (that being the only runner friendly place I know in NYC since I haven't spent a lot of time there outside of the marathon when the streets were closed), but that might not appeal to people outside of my usual crowd.
In essence, "second-handedness" is our tendency to judge what we say and do according to the standard of what we think OTHER people will think, rather than by the standard of what WE think or what will make US happy.
It's all about motive.
Are you wearing that shirt because YOU like it and because it's comfortable -- or are you wearing it because you know you paid $175 for it and you hope you might have a chance to mention that when you go out tonight with your friends?
Are you ordering that cup of coffee because YOU really love that flavor of coffee -- or are you ordering it because you think you will look cool to the girl you are taking out?
Are you dumping money into a house you can't really afford because YOU love it and because it makes you happy -- or are you really just thinking about outdoing your friends from high school and excited about showing it off to your family when they come over?
It goes on and on. It's relentless.
What this kind of habitual thinking leads to is a stale, plastic, inauthentic, other-centric life. Worse, it separates you from reality: what is important to you anymore has nothing to do with what is REALLY going on, but with what you want others to THINK ABOUT YOU. You sacrifice your "self" for that hazy murk you allow yourself to obsess over: what other people might think (or not think) about you.
And of course, we all tend to do this to one extent or another. But it can be terribly destructive not only to our capacity to be authentically happy but also to our capacity to create real lives for ourselves (as apart from the wishy-washy paranoid delusional drama-filled manipulative bull***t what-will-the-neighbors-think? scrabbling existences most people around us are muddling their way through).
How do you get past it? How do you stop making every damn choice center around this obsession with what other people are going to think of you? The best solution I've come up with so far is to ask myself "What would Roark do?" (Referencing the character of Howard Roark from Ayn Rand's novel The Fountainhead -- the iconic example of the Individual, who thinks and lives entirely apart from any concern with what others might think of him.)
Learning to ask that kind of question can help, especially when combined with learning to force yourself to break the pattern whenever you catch yourself falling into second-handed thinking.
Were you going to wear that shirt because you wanted to brag about what you paid for it? Fine. You just blew it. Put it back on the hanger and wear a T-shirt instead.
Were you entertaining the idea of what you were going to drop at the party to let everyone know you just bought a Porsche? Fine. No more. You now are going to resolve not to mention the damn car at all. And if someone else brings it up, you're going to pass it off as quickly as possible and change the subject.
We need to learn to stand as individuals. We need to think for ourselves. We need to live our own lives -- and stop trying to weigh our own value according to what we think others are thinking of us.
One caveat: The kid in high school who wears black all the time and is covered in piercings and has a "Suck Mein Kampf" T-shirt -- that kid is just as tied up in second-handedness as the rest. He is just as wrapped up in what others are thinking of him. He is still playing for an effect, albeit a negative one. Same with the "cool" kid in the leather jacket slouching around at the mall. He may look like he doesn't give a crap, but he is keenly aware of the looks he is drawing, barely able to think past how "cool" he must look to everyone around him.
False-individuality is just another kind of conformity; you're still thinking in the pack, you've just chosen a different pack.
If you are going to live your own life, a legitimate and true life, an authentic life ... you need to stop basing everything you say and do on how you think others will look at you (or what you hope people with think or not think about you).
We need to stop trying to impress everyone, stop worrying about what all the other sheep are thinking about us.
We need to start living our own lives. We need to start making our decisions based on our own judgment of reality, on our reasoned estimations of right and wrong, on the basis of what makes sense and what truly makes us happy.
~ Michael Fisher
In my IT department we have a morning scrum (meeting) at exactly 8:45am. At first, employees were arriving late to this meeting and that was annoying our leader. So he developed a penalty of $1 to each individual who arrived late to the meeting. We even created a board called the 'Tard' board (for tardiness) and we have a head shot of each employee that moves up a ladder daily for each late meeting. The person with the most late mornings is pronounced the Tard king and is fined $5 for being late the next day. The Tard king also has to facilitate the morning meeting and present to the company during our weekly IT update.
At first it was a bit controversial and no one liked the idea of essentially being fined for being late. But people started showing up on time. What I really think happened was that peer pressure became more of a larger incentive to be on time.
This idea rolled out to the rest of the company and now senior leaders have to pay $20 if they are late for their monthly meeting.
All the money of course goes to a charity which we chose in advance.
Hoarding of tax returns from 20 years ago, hoarding of dot matrix computer parts, hoarding of clothes you'll never wear, hoarding of ideas.
Best way to get rid of them is to look at why you as an individual hoard things/ideas/etc...usually related to a feeling of scarcity or insecurity about the future. I believe we hoard not because we live in the past and want to hang onto sentimental stuff (taxes aren't sentimental!)but because we might need it in the future and therefore we have a mindset of not having enough in the future and we come to expect to not have enough. Once you have a good understanding of why you're holding onto things and what fears you have about your future...as well as what confidence you have in yourself...you can start to shed the clutter in your home, in your relationships, in your job decisions. The big change for me was in looking at each room in my house, each job task, and each activity in my life and deciding what would go with me if I had to move and start a new life elsewhere in 48 hours (I live in hurricane country). Whatever would go with me stayed and the rest, I got rid of.
This isn't related to this post and I apologize up front for that. Like many of the readers here, I'm a fan of Tim Ferris. I recently came across two autographed copies of the 4HWW which I am auctioning off on eBay for charity (as inspired by Tim). Proceeds go to Donors Choose, a non-profit Tim has mentioned before in this blog.
Here's the link and apologies for the "spam":
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&a...
For the party I would get a sponsored hall to be in, for example a restaurant who can sell drinks and give a presentation about their company to the guests. Then I would have the party as a potluck supper where everyone bring there own little food or snack, imagine 100 different choices for food =). After the party I would take the guests out in the sun (in a park) and play some free outdoor games like kubb or boule.
Pretending to be a victim.
A victim mentality stems from ignorance, fear, a misunderstanding of reality. This can be resolved by being informed and continued personal growth (but not too much reading: inform and then act!).
I'd love to see the human race evolve more quickly through an increase in emotional intelligence and general personal awareness. Its happening - slowly!
Love your work Tim.
Unlimited budget for a VIP party in SF or NYC? I always wanted to have a third world dictator party. Everybody dresses up in garish military uniforms, oversized sunglasses, and leopard print berets, and drinks pina coladas or sweet sweet coffee. A trip to a thrift store and a visit to a seamstress to sew on the craft store tassles, and you've got all it takes for a social leveler. Guests spend the evening getting to look completely ridiculous, and forgetting that they're VIPs. Plus who doesn't want to be a third world dictator, once assassination is taken out of the picture?
Growing up, my mom used to have a really cheesy wooden/photo plaque hanging on our wall that said "Old Indian Prayer: You cannot judge a man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins." Despite it's kitsch, the moral was there.
I guess the best way to curb this sort of thing would be to use a method similar to that of the complaining bracelet. In this case, the action taken would be a matter of stopping, thinking about a situation from someone else's point of view and reassessing. It just seems a lot more human to start viewing others in this way.
As for the VP question...
I would probably coordinate the event with a city-wide free music festival or outdoor concert. Then I would spend my $1,000 on several 12 foot subs and other outdoorsy-picnicky food & drink.
In essence, "second-handedness" is our tendency to judge what we say and do according to the standard of what we think OTHER people will think, rather than by the standard of what WE think or what will make US happy.
It's all about motive.
Are you wearing that shirt because YOU like it and because it's comfortable -- or are you wearing it because you know you paid $175 for it and you hope you might have a chance to mention that when you go out tonight with your friends?
Are you ordering that cup of coffee because YOU really love that flavor of coffee -- or are you ordering it because you think you will look cool to the girl you are taking out?
Are you dumping money into a house you can't really afford because YOU love it and because it makes you happy -- or are you really just thinking about outdoing your friends from high school and excited about showing it off to your family when they come over?
It goes on and on. It's relentless.
What this kind of habitual thinking leads to is a stale, plastic, inauthentic, other-centric life. Worse, it separates you from reality: what is important to you anymore has nothing to do with what is REALLY going on, but with what you want others to THINK ABOUT YOU. You sacrifice your "self" for that hazy murk you allow yourself to obsess over: what other people might think (or not think) about you.
And of course, we all tend to do this to one extent or another. But it can be terribly destructive not only to our capacity to be authentically happy but also to our capacity to create real lives for ourselves (as apart from the wishy-washy paranoid delusional drama-filled manipulative bull***t what-will-the-neighbors-think? scrabbling existences most people around us are muddling their way through).
How do you get past it? How do you stop making every damn choice center around this obsession with what other people are going to think of you? The best solution I've come up with so far is to ask myself "What would Roark do?" (Referencing the character of Howard Roark from Ayn Rand's novel The Fountainhead -- the iconic example of the Individual, who thinks and lives entirely apart from any concern with what others might think of him.)
Learning to ask that kind of question can help, especially when combined with learning to force yourself to break the pattern whenever you catch yourself falling into second-handed thinking.
Were you going to wear that shirt because you wanted to brag about what you paid for it? Fine. You just blew it. Put it back on the hanger and wear a T-shirt instead.
Were you entertaining the idea of what you were going to drop at the party to let everyone know you just bought a Porsche? Fine. No more. You now are going to resolve not to mention the damn car at all. And if someone else brings it up, you're going to pass it off as quickly as possible and change the subject.
We need to learn to stand as individuals. We need to think for ourselves. We need to live our own lives -- and stop trying to weigh our own value according to what we think others are thinking of us.
One caveat: The kid in high school who wears black all the time and is covered in piercings and has a "Suck Mein Kampf" T-shirt -- that kid is just as tied up in second-handedness as the rest. He is just as wrapped up in what others are thinking of him. He is still playing for an effect, albeit a negative one. Same with the "cool" kid in the leather jacket slouching around at the mall. He may look like he doesn't give a crap, but he is keenly aware of the looks he is drawing, barely able to think past how "cool" he must look to everyone around him.
False-individuality is just another kind of conformity; you're still thinking in the pack, you've just chosen a different pack.
If you are going to live your own life, a legitimate and true life, an authentic life ... you need to stop basing everything you say and do on how you think others will look at you (or what you hope people with think or not think about you).
We need to stop trying to impress everyone, stop worrying about what all the other sheep are thinking about us.
We need to start living our own lives. We need to start making our decisions based on our own judgment of reality, on our reasoned estimations of right and wrong, on the basis of what makes sense and what truly makes us happy.
Sure, sometimes it's deserved, but nobody's life is improved by bad-mouthing others.
Simple solution...carry a small vile of something that tastes horrible to you. It could be some pepper type substance (like the stuff used to make people stop biting their fingernails). Whatever it is, make sure it's something awful to YOU.
Every time you catch yourself talking badly of others. Take it from your purse or pocket, touch it to your tongue and PRESTO - you'll have a bad taste in your mouth (deserving).
You could add one other element if you want - GREAT TASTE ASSOCIATED WITH KIND WORDS SPOKEN OF OTHERS. Get something that tastes wonderful to you. Everytime you speak kindly of others, hit your tongue with it.
I would say the worst habit I and lots of my co-workers have is trying to do other work while having a face-to-face conversation with someone. For example, I have the terrible habit of talking to someone while sitting in my chair in my office. When the other person is talking I'm often tempted to check my email notifications, shuffle papers, etc. It's rude and I'm trying very hard not to do it. My method so far has been to shut off my monitor when someone stops by.
If you need to resize photos, I recommend any of the Adobe Photoshop products. You can get something as easy as Photoshop Elements or as full-featured as Photoshop CS3. You can also get Adobe Lightroom, which I consider the current pinnacle of photo-organizing and general photo-editing software. You don't get all of the crazy stuff you can do with Photoshop, but you get an awesome tool for organizing your photos, editing them, creating slide shows and web galleries, and preparing prints.
If you pick up Lightroom, I'll personally give you an over-the-phone training session and have you up and running with best practices in an hour.
At any rate -- stay with the Mac. There's a slight learning curve, but once you're through it, you will never go back to a PC again.
Also, I totally agree with the next action approach to complaints. I think this can be applied to almost any negative emotion. http://www.askderekscruggs.com/the-emotional-in...
Some of us spend way too much time online. It can lead to social isolation, passivity, and even depression. (And no, your "friends" on Facebook, MySpace, Friendster and other social network sites are not really your "friends." Vast majority are mere acquaintances.)
Decide for yourself ahead of time what number of hours a week would be reasonable to spend online... for work and other things. Set that as your max and don't go over it.
It might be easier for some to set the number of hours (in their waking life) they want to be offline.
So you might say, I want to make sure I have 5 hours each day when I'm not at my computer. For every day that you miss your offline goal, you have to whip yourself 5 times OR you have to put $5 in a jar and spend that money on your friends.
I went to a Warrior Camp that taught to us to do something similar. Every time we said something negative and unproductive, we'd "slap" our hand with the bracelet. We wore the bracelet for 30 days.
I like Will's "wrist switch" method better. Like you, I'm preparing for some major projects that are really going to test my patience, so I'm going to pick up a bracelet today.
As far as what else people should stop - I strongly believe that people need to act before they think.
It's quite stunning, really... how so many people stop themselves from doing things because they over-think.
In my opinion, this could easily be fixed by people putting themselves in situations that challenge their comfort zone, as you mentioned in 4HWW.
By pushing themselves at least once a week (or once a day), people will come to realize that their fear (definition of fear: ANTICIPATION of pain - as in, it hasn't happened yet) was completely in their head.
A personal "slogan" might help, too. Mine is (quite originally) "Just do it.".
For the party I would get a sponsored hall to be in, for example a restaurant who can sell drinks and give a presentation about their company to the guests. Then I would have the party as a potluck supper where everyone bring there own little food or snack, imagine 100 different choices for food =). After the party I would take the guests out in the sun (in a park) and play some free outdoor games like kubb or boule.
the code "alt=3D"Try It Free" border=3D"0"/>" appears, it is happening because of a "br" tag that is in the imagr tag of the advertisement.
###
Thank you, Thomas! I really appreciate you letting me know, and I'll pass this on to them.
All the best,
Tim
Resizing Photos for Emailing
After you attach a photo to your email message (you can just drag-and-drop the image into the New Message window), take a look in the bottom-right corner of your email message window, and you’ll see a pop-up menu where you can choose the Image Size you’d like to send. As soon as you choose a size (other than Actual Size), the image is immediately scaled down right within the email message window so you can see the exact size of the photo you’re sending.
http://www.apple.com/pro/tips/emailresize.html
* From Apple's Downloads section:
Film Roll 1.0
A group of plug-ins for the Finder. Film Roll provides one-click automation for: Adding photos to iPhoto, Cropping Photos, Flipping Photos, Changing the Image Type, Resizing the Photos, Printing Photos, and Placing a frame around the photos.
http://www.apple.com/downloads/macosx/automator...
Idea for 1000 VIP event - have 100 of them volunteer to be the servers to the others. Call it a lesson in giving and serving to your peers. An event for VIPs with time and effort donated by VIPs. Have another dozen or so be the speakers (10min each) on who they consider to be VIPs in life or their industry and why. Invite some or all of the guests to bring their own finger food in a pot-luck style event to share with their VIP peers. Have another 50 or so be the wrap-up/clean-up folks at the end of the event. Invite some of the wealthiest VIPs to donate door prizes to be raffled off to their fellow VIPs or donated to charity. Use contacts and good PR to book a nice hall somewhere and advise the hall owner to give you the hall for $500 or free so that he can get the free publicity of all these VIPs coming together in one place and getting exposure at this hall. Use $500 for nice looking invitations from a printing company that can also use more exposure and will be willing to reduce their rate to this amount so they could get free advertising on the back of the invitation cards and a logo or name at the bottom of each as a co-sponsor of the event.
Create Press Releases and distribute to all local TV stations and newspapers to invite them to cover the event - free publicity. Have a current great speaker/author/public figure be a special guest at the event and make sure they donate their time for free for the publicity and chance to mingle with many other VIPs. Great for famous politicians around the time of their re-election and campaigning. Also good for authors of new books! Have a Corporate sponsor or two to help get their name on the invite card and at the entrance to the main hall. Give them access to the VIP address/contact list for follow-up in exchange for cost of decorations, entertainment, limo service, and security.
Interrupting. Just as Never the Same River indicates, we often get so used to multitasking that we assume we can actually listen while doing something else. We forget that communication is a dual-party process. To listen effectively you must be an active participant.
We have a policy in our office of the '3 Second Rule' in conversations. You speak, you finish, I wait 3 seconds and then I speak. Repeat. It has transformed the way we communicate and improved both the authenticity of our message and the respect we all feel from our peers. The difficulty is when we get a group moving and everyone has a pressing idea to share RIGHT NOW. We are working on learning to 'park it' by jotting it down and maintaining our attention on the current speaker. It it is admittedly challenging but the benefits are worth the effort.
Additionally, the uninitiated often are unable to allow three seconds of silence and keep talking, offering more and more insight. Clients have shared trusted information without hesitation simply because it seemed we were waiting for more.
As far as a party in SF you have to rent this and drop the extra bucks or charge a few bucks at the door. It's BADASS!
[Jason, you put in the magic link! That's what I remembered you talking about. I've removed the link so that it isn't booked until 2015, but you'll be invited to the party ;)]
Have a good trip!
TIM, PLEASE MAKE A POLL ON THIS...
(first define the voter)
1. always a mac user
2. pc then converted to mac
3. still a pc user
4. mac, then converted to pc (kidding!)
You believe PC's are ANTI-4HWW & MACS are PRO-4HWW
YES/NO
Re: complaining. I just don't complain. I'm super action oriented to take the next step toward victory. And people around me get reprogrammed as a result.
Re: PARTY PROMO:
I googled Jeremiah's "Lynchian, Sawesque" and it was indexed in Google 4 hours ago, almost immediately. WOW! Google must take you as a real hip/authoritative place to be!
Anyway, now that I know what it means, I do think some sort of MAJOR PRACTICAL JOKE would be great. It could even net some great publicity in the process.
How about we stealthily hook the media to cover some new TREND amongst CEO's that has them only working one day a week. At 8am they all watch a 15 minute 4HWW web program to "tune them in" (cult like) then, a reporter follows one of them through his day (where he gets a week of work done). We'll come up with some quirky management behavior and visuals. eg. He wears a suit and tie, but has a water bottle clipped to his alligator belt, and the back of his tie is terry cloth to wipe off the sweat. When he walks through the office the crowd the crowd opens up a foot ahead, like a repelling magnet, then closes back around him. He speaks in a top down computer programming / telegram style.
Do you remember the movie "Revenge of the Nerd"? Later the main guy became a nerd for hire at parties. You could have several of these 4hww actors, men and women, young and old, PLANTED in the party. Their behavior starts out fairly normal and progresses to ridiculous by the end of the night. eg1. they address people by their project/profession because Names are useless info that they won't remember anyway. eg2. they join a small group chat and try to organize and prioritize things so that it is all relevant and focussed. they interrupt people who provide too much detailed info that may get them off track.
At the end of the night make an announcement about some coaching you will be doing and these people are heading it up. It can be totally wacked 4hww concepts.
shoot a video of the entire event and later edit into something for youtube. the 4hww spoof party video could become a viral hit to get exposure for the real 4hww.
DAMN THAT WOULD BE FUN. How important do I have to be, to be a VIP? Maybe I could be one of the planted 4hww wackos.
Victory.
Comparing oneself or condition to that of another. Jane has X,Y,Z and doesn't have to do A,B,C like I do.
If you see there is a problem or something that you would liked changed, (wo)man up and change it! If you are a couple, brainstorm what and how things can be changed. Though I've found that some people will always find somethig to complain about, no matter what has been changed.
Figure out your TMI and set on a path to meet those needs so that you(rs) can be just like the Janes of the world or something better.
Now back to my mousehole.
n
Here's an AppleScript I wrote awhile ago to resize images on the Mac.
http://www.versiontracker.com/dyn/moreinfo/maco...
VIPs and low budget: I'd tell them to dress casual and arrange some low-rent fun: bowling and beer, a picnic on blankets in the park, renting little boats and taking people fishing and then grilling up the fish for dinner, a bonfire on the beach. All that wonderful stuff that most of us haven't enjoyed since high school / college.
As for the VIP party... simple, I'd make it a flash mob.
Worry:
My mom has brought the family down for years through her excessive worry. This behavior has never seemed to benefit anyone in any way. I understand the difference between active concern and worry. Where active concern is a concentrated identification and focus on a problem for the purpose of eliminating it. And so I observe that where there is no desire / motivation / interest to actively seek a solution , then 'worry' seems to be the result. In my experience and in my life ... a monumental waste of time and energy.
And so how do you train yourself to stop prolonged worry?
Some people enjoy worrying. Who knows why? And they don't want to stop. So stay away from these people. Duh. But - for me - growing up with the worrywort mom ...
Try this:
Train yourself to identify every single source of anxiety as soon as it enters your mind. Merely exercising your mind in this way helps in the elimination process. Most of worry can be removed if it is only identified in detail.
Two questions I ask myself immediately are:
#1 Is someone going to die if this problem is not resolved?
#2 How bad - REALLY - is the 'worst case'?
- surround yourself with positive people and positive things that make you feel good. Don't suffer depressed people's thought patterns to move into your mind. They are usually big on worry.
Here is an EXCELLENT article that I found on the internet dealing with worry.
http://www.anxietyculture.com/worry.htm
>>>
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
Memorable and fun?
I find that interactive meetings that include copious amounts of audience interaction ( all the audience so that nobody feels spotlighted or embarrassed ) are the most memorable and fun.
The worst ( most boring ) meetings are were someone gets up and talks the whole time about business.
Comedy ... surprises ... Interrupt the meeting with some form of hoax, humor or parlor trick ...
Do something random and high energy. Have the backstreet boys come in and grab audience members to help them to perform ... hell, they should go for about $1000 now ...
Give out name badges that already have a random name on them ... Sound stupid? ... well even 'stupid' stuff is more fun than ... well .... 'boring' ...
Making excuses seems to be very destructive to attaining goals, and more importantly, to get back on track if encountered by a setback. Excuses often are a "let myself off the hook" mechanism that impedes potential. I myself am a culprit more often than I like to admit.
Recently I've tried to address not making excuses with REVERSE-EXCUSES tied to specific consequences. If I have not attained my goal and/or have suffered a setback, instead of saying "I can't get to the gym to work out 5 times this week," I instead say, "I can't sit at home and gain 5 pounds." I've also realized that making your goals public (telling friends,family) also builds an important support system and the feeling that if you do not try to attain your goal(s), you've let yourself down in their eyes.
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
A NYC Central Park/SF park BBQ would definitely be my suggestion. BBQ food allows for a variety of cost-conscious alternatives (without tipping!). I'd complement the BBQ with team-building activities, such as social games and physical activities like volleyball, potato sack races, horse shoes, etc.
Anyone with a passion for what they do will set goals for themselves, usually aggressive goals. And many times, you need help from people around you to achieve them. What kind of person motivates their peers, friends and collegues? It's not the person complaining and draining everyone's energy.
Complaining is tempting when your patience is tried and you just want to get sh*t done and we all give in. But solutions are helpful and positive, they just take a little more work.
For the party - hire a great band, get a good music set list, and ask your guests if any of them want to play a song or two. I'm always shocked at the hidden music talent out there. And people like to hear each other play, good or bad. Music changes people for the better :)
Try to stick out the mac. It's worth it once you get used to it. I picked up that same book you're holding in your hand when I was feeling the same way. I think David Pogue wrote that one - he's one of the best tour guides you could ask for.
Behavior to stop: Avoiding eye contact! Solid eye contact makes a world of difference in any interaction.
Party for VIPs: Organize a flash mob. It would likely be a new experience for all in participation, and would very likely be a good memory. Afterwards, head to a nearby pub or diner, or hold a picnic or barbecue.
As for the Mac stuff... I empathize with you. I support Macs and OSX Server in the enterprise, and I constantly find myself near screaming in frustration at how difficult it is to accomplish seemingly simple tasks (this is even worse with OSX Server, you have no idea).
On the upside, once you've mastered OSX you will know plenty of awkward key commands that will be of absolutely no use to you in any other OS.
So,about the bracelets question...
Generalizing: Everybody nows their one or two major problems. Make a Bracelet and change it every time you do this problems.
In my case: From now on i will heave 2 bracelets.
1)I will change every time i perceive that i´m not being courageous.
2)Every time i lose control of a situation i could not lose control.( only on things that matter. Like, when i go to a party and i should be leading or participating on the coversation but i’m not… i can´t explain it right but i think you got the message.)
P.S
Sorry about the bad writing hehehe
herba mate always ehheheh
BTW, the answer to both questions is...Strippers
Of course outcome X may in fact be impossible due to reality Y—-best then to realize it and not beat your head against the wall. But how often is this kind of statement really true? Are we really incapable of taking appropriate action or solving a problem—-or are we just taking a pass, assigning blame externally for our own lack of initiative?
The 4HWW philosophy is that there are no fixed, external constraints preventing you from living the life you want to live. For me at least, part of the process is breaking down the ego-buffering reflex that “explains� inaction and negative outcomes based on circumstances external to myself.
I like the idea of training for this on the small scale of daily speech and actions. The no-complaint bracelet is good; I want to try using the same device to cut off, or at least question, any “I can’t/couldn’t/didn’t because…� type statements I find myself making. To others or to myself.
I would come up with a scavenger hunt - give each team a paper grocery bag and a list of things to put in it, assign a point value for each. Examples - a matchbook from The Waldorf, some dog hair, a business card from NYPD (may have to be tailored to include places that are in close proximity.) Set a time limit, instruct them to show up with their own points tallyed to save time. I can come up with more items if you (ever) decide to do it...
This is a problem for two reasons-
1) If you are handling a large project (Our business just expanded from 1000 square feet to 4000) there is no possible way you can come up with all of the ideas to truly make that project great. This does not mean taking every idea, it just means saying no because you thought through it and decided there was a better option.
2) If you build a "no" atmosphere in a business you stop the flow of ideas. Creative people do not take "no" well and this is because an idea factory is all about comfort factor. For this simply read the elegant solution.
http://www.changethis.com/29.01.ElegantSolutions
As for a party with no money, as long as they are Very Important People just get a college kid for every VIP and have the kids ask the people to talk about themselves. Everybody will feel important and the college kids can rack it up to community service for the rich and famous ; )
As for the party...concentrate on an unusual location that you can get cheap/free...under a bridge, in a beautiful church, in a large florist or greenhouse after hours. Need music? Make a mix tape or better yet find a great street musician who you will pay $50-$100 to but can also pass the hat. I could go on and on.
Interrupting other people in order to bring the conversation back to themselves. I am particluarly sensitive to this one, so I look for it all the time and it's astonishing how often this happens. So often a response to a thought or a story is a separate thought or story, instead of a legitimate reaction. A good way to train yourself to stop interrupting is, when you begin a conversation, practice asking 3 questions of the person you're speaking to, and focus on listening and responding. Before you realize it, you will find yourself interested in discussing topics other than...you! People will truly value your company (even more than they do already).
My girlfriend bought an apple computer, and like you I said "intuitive my a$$". So, what I did was take one of the introductory classes on how to use it at the Apple Store with my girlfriend. It helped quite a bit.
I found this entry hugely helpful and accurate. Accurate from the standpoint of what words I use reflects my beliefs and therefore my experience of life. This is why all my complaints point back to me and my state of mind. The reason they point back to me is if I am seeking a solution then I am changing my relationship to the situation from one of wallowing in a less than ideal situation to one of moving past it, or understanding it better. That can only start at the thought level.
I work for a large corporation and we are introducing some big change into the company. Depending on the location we are implementing to, we will see different results. Those locations that take on the change even if they make lots of mistakes seeking help\solutions along the way are the most successful. They implement faster, have quicker learning curves, and end up liking the change once they become comfortable with it.
The locations that go through the training, run into the first set of problems, complain, and give up experience the longest most painful implementation. Not only that it drags on and on.
So, in the end, it doesn't matter who makes mistakes or how many they make. What matters is they keep trying to find help and seek solutions.
I tell each location that I will take any complaint they have as long as they are willing to get specific and participate in the solution. It shocks them at 2 levels. One it shocks them that I am willing to listen to negative feedback, and secondly, it shocks them that we are willing to partner with them in customized ways to help them out of the pain.
It is amazing to watch how people choose their own destiny and experience of life by following or not following what you point to in this article.
I am all for complaining, honesty (even radical) because it increases intimacy, AND I will always ask for the solution or positive movement. So, my compliant for the radical honesty movement is that it does o.k. in bringing everything to the surface. I would recommend they spend an equal amount of time focusing on communicating what possible solutions or positive actions as you suggest in this article. That is soooo huge in my opinion. Anyone can dump their thoughts and emotions. The truly special people can see past their own temporary viewpoints and experience to something better.
Awesome article. I want one of those official purple arm bands please.
Thanks!
Ben
I wanted to thank you Tim for the way precede your replies with ## 1 it makes it easy to follow up on your responses using the find function. Maybe you've explained this before but I just now figured it out.
I didn't add a 3rd pound sign in order to not break it for others.
Keep up the good work!
-Please be patient with comments getting approved! It can take some time, so don't assume you've been censored, as it's probably just me or my VAs on an airplane. Big things on the horizon...
-I am going to continue my move to mac. If they had their top-secret solid-state laptops out already, I'd be 100%. These will be tiny and replace my Sony VAIO. Vista is the devil.
-The wait-list for the bracelets is real, as some have noted! Waiting 6 months is not uncommon, as they don't charge for them and get snowed under quickly. Hence the billion-dollar value of my four bracelets I'll be mailing out ;)
-You guys rock. The comments to this post alone could be used to completely redesign your most damaging behaviors. Cool. I'll be rereading these later.
All the best,
Tim
Envy leads to gossiping, complaining, unproductive nail biting, smoking, bad health...
As for VIPs: Organize a charity concert for them at the local orphanage.
It goes hand-in-hand with the negative thinking/complaining -- but it is rude, aggressive (and potentially lethal) driving. Commuting here in the Bay Area I get to see all sorts of really bad driving, but the worst is when the driver lets their emotions take over the car! This is one I'm guilty of falling into from time to time, so I understand the challenge. The world would be a better place if we could master this one.
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
Easy -- one of the best parties I ever attended was a team-building event where the focus of an entire day was an urban scavenger hunt. Divide the group into teams, give each team a small stipend (for an essential cab ride, snack or whatever). The key is developing a really well-thought-out list of items that intrigues, stimulates and shows the attendees something of the city. In SF or NYC there is no end of fun stuff to work with.
Budget permitting you end the day with a round of drinks for the entire group.
If I had no budget to plan a party, I would make it memorable and fun by hiring tons of porn stars to give live shows in which guests have the option of participating. That would be a fun night that no one would ever forget!
I'll keep my sex party answer, but instead of porn stars, I'd find exhibitionistic amateurs on craigslist to do the job.
I once gave up complaining for Lent, which is the 40 days before Easter (usually people give up coffee or candy or other small indulgences) and it was interesting because I noticed how much less I had to share with people. I got better at making positive conversation, and soon I noticed I didn't have so much a problem with my own negativity, but with responding to that of others. Some people felt minimized if their venting wasn't acknowledged, so I had to find ways to acknowledge their SELVES, which is what people really want when they vent. We have very few ways to do this for each other in our culture, which is why we have so many people who are uncomfortable receiving compliments, hence "No problem" instead of "You're welcome".
And, unfortunately, I became less interested in spending time with certain people, and it was sad to part, but not at all difficult. It just wasn't appealing anymore.
What I love about Rob Brezny's book is the insistence on positive language, the creation of florid, vibrant imagery of a stunningly gorgeous, fun, exotic world. The more time I spend in his world, the easier it is that "constructive criticism" becomes interactive brainstorming, "problems and solutions" become stories and sequels. I prefer to think that the person "complaining" is the person is really the person who may best be able to create positive change, if so empowered. Perhaps you've heard the psychology technique of asking a complainer, "If you knew how to solve this problem, what would you do"?
It's important that this not be reduced to a "technique" for "dealing with whiners", which leads to the "whiners" feeling dismissed. Better to do this in a spirit of engagement, and a commitment to practicing, for one's own benefit, a new form of Delightful Dialogue.
So, the other behavior I think best transformed is choosing one's environment. There are a lot of posts up there about turning off the TV, and I really agree. I like to choose ANYTHING live, rather than canned, and chances are it will be uplifting. The social currency these days relies a lot upon complaining, and canned entertainment depends upon this to reach its audience. Similarly, choosing to spend time outdoors in beautiful places makes a huge difference in one's well being.
As for the VIP event, who are these VIPs? What makes them so "I"? Surely whatever the distinguishing characteristic is should determine the form of the event? Are they VIPs because of their POSITIVE contribution to a particular direction? I suggest you connect with Rob Brezny and put on a Positive Poet Potluck in Golden Gate Park. Celebrate the poets and artists who create more beautiful tools, words, and visions for a positive world.
John
Alternatively you can use the bracelet to train yourself to be more confident, everytime you have a self doubt about yourself such as your appearance you have to start again.
This method could also be used for people on a diet, everytime you eat junk food you have to start again on the 21 days (a good way to get the addiction out of the system). It could also be used to enforce a positive action, such as 21 days straight of walking to work every day or going for a run.
Step 1: Surround yourself with positive people. This is harder than it sounds.
Step 2: Make a change. Hell, it can be cutting soda out of your diet. Makes something small and it will snowball.
Step 3: Pick the next thing to attack.
The best way to get yourself to stop with the pessimism? Find a few things, that no matter WHAT make you smile. Keep those in mind and use them when you're getting yourself turned around about a top. Kittens playing, puppies tusseling, a child's smile, the sunset, the sunrise, the ocean waves crashing against the shore...find your triggers and then use them.
VIP Party with no budget....nice. Champagne and moonlight. Bring your own bottle and glass to share. Shoes not required. ABC license might be $25 out of pocket ;)
They seem to derive pleasure out of the process of complaining, of talking about problems, and feel refreshed afterward.
for lack of a better word, laziness. Every time you get a chance to be active but pass it up, move the bracelet to the other wrist. For example, if you take the elevator when you could take the stairs, change the bracelet. If you drive when you could walk, change the bracelet, etc.....
As for bad behavior... I'd pick, not saying thank-you. To the waiter who brought you water, to the stranger who opened the door for you, to the co-worker who picked up your printouts. We tend to feel that we are so entitled to all the privileges and don't appreciate the kindness of others. How about, if you forget to say thank-you, put a quarter in a piggy bank, and at the end, donate the money to charity?
Each time I imagine a failed outcome of an idea that pops into my head, SWITCH THE BRACELET.
Example:
Creative, Proactive Self: "Hey, Craig, call up VIP Bob and arrange lunch. He very likely needs the services you can provide him."
Self-doubting, Nay-sayer Self: "That's stupid. Bob is busy and he probably already has things well in hand. He likes the other firm more anyway. And that firm is better than you to boot..."
Some days, I swear I'd be juggling that Bracelet!
BONUS: Free entertainment for VIP'S: Arrange them in standing circles of 10, all with a stack of their business cards. Each person takes a turn presenting a current challenge they are facing in their company, career, etc... Since the other nine are well networked, resourceful types, they are always going to have a solution or a lead to another person who can directly help. People with an solution write it on the back of their business card and pass to the person with who raised the challenge.
With even just 30 minutes of this group exercise, there will be thousands of touch points generated in the group you describe.
Craig
Stop living life by the rules and social norms that are in place. Just because everyone puts on their pants one leg at a time, do not take that as the ONLY way to achieve dressing yourself. One should try to come up with a better way, or at least another way of doing common tasks in their daily lives. I strive to invent or simplify one task per day, and come up with a new idea or invention at least once per week. Most ideas do not take place of the standard way of completing the task, and to date I have no inventions on the market. However, playing the numbers game and constantly forcing your mind to look at different perspectives, it is only a matter of time until you revolutionize your own life. If you wear a watch, place it on the opposite wrist that you are acustomed to wearing it on until you have met your quota for the day. If you are against a watch, which I very much am, try wearing something subtle that is uncomfortable to you until the action has been met. I wear my underwear backwards (very uncomfortable) until I have come up with a new way to accomplish something, or a new idea or product. There is always an easier way to do something, and even if it doesn't replace the best way, it sure is fun trying. Everyone does but their pants on one leg at a time, but not everybody puts them on backwards!
If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
I would first reserve a booking at a bowling alley or putt putt facility (any place with cheap food and games that guest can afford themselves) give everyone a name tag and offer a $1,000 to whomever leaves last.
Things to stop/reduce - multitasking & screen time (computer, tv, ipod, cell phone, gameboy, pda, portable gps, car in dash nav system, portable dvd player and atari!!
As for a VIP party in SF, I'd recommend bowling at Presidio Bowling followed by beach party (summer has finally arrived in san francisco) at Crissy Fields in Presidio (you can reserve the space near the warming hut for free). great views of GGate, City and bay. Maybe a scavenger hunt around the theme of the event.
After a 30 minute learning phase, each person (or a representative of the group) performs as part of the evening show.
Another big one:
Avoiding a "mountain" because you are too lazy to take the simple steps to get there. (Adopt better eating and exercise habits = better health and fitness.) Its a one day, one step at a time thing that you have to do consistently.
Solution: Break down the steps. Decide what you need to do consistently to get where you want to go. Or, maybe your goal is a series of smaller steps which build on each other rather than repeat. Figure them out, and then put them in writing, in order. You could even make a chart, with a stairway on it, and your goal at the top. Or, a big thermometer like they use for fundraisers. Fill in each step as it's accomplished. This way you can visibly track your progress.
As for a memorable event on a low budget, I would have to say the best thing you could do was bring together the most memorable people you know, so they can all meet each other. Other than that... think entirely outside the box. Your good at doing that :)
I like the random name tag idea...you could build on that by having everyone reinvent themselves as people who are living the four hour work week lifestyle (if they arent already). Give them a little brainstoming worksheet to figure out where they would travel, what languages they would learn, what they would do on their mini retirements. Let them take their dreams for a test drive... see how they fit.
Change wrist every time you imagine a new dream/ambition and reject it before :
1- checking how desirable it really is and how it fits your big picture
2- defining a first action towards it if 1- is passed.
Goal: removing the "I can't" mindset.
People who are used to Windows discover at first that the mac is definitely not windows. Which may seem obvious but can be very frustrating. It takes time to unlearn the expectations and to embrace the differences.
In time you will grow in to it, you'll suddenly notice how weird windows is at times. By learning more then one way to do things you'll gain a more general understanding of how computers work. Which is a good thing because then you'll learn new interfaces a lot faster.
Judging others is one of those activities we indulge in frequently, even if it just has to do with their looks or their buying power, but also with their intellect, their dexterity in thinking, their lack of innovation in thought, their beliefs, their manner of speech, and on and on ad nauseam.
How to implement it? Start by becoming aware of the fact that you're actually doing it. Next step is to stop it in its tracks as you catch yourself doing it by thinking another great thought that has to do with quantum physics and spiritual thought: we are all intertwined molecules, i.e., we are all one.
We all have those dreams where we think "When I am ___ I will do this or try this." If we take small steps everyday towards our dreams it keeps us happier..
How: Weekly or daily planning sessions where we make sure that the things we do are aligned with our dreams. I like the calendar marking strategy, where you mark each day that you worked towards your dream, until you build a long chain on your calendar.
100 VIPs in NYC: I would take them on the Subway and hit up all the local cultural hot spots, I doubt they have ever done that :)
By the way, all us commenters are just complaining aren't we?! People should stop this and stop that. Maybe we should stop commenting. Didn't you have to do a bit too much negative thinking to come up with a good answer? I did. :(
I didn't really mean what I said about the people in Japan by the way. They can suck their teeth all day long.
From now on, every time I post a complaining comment on a blog, I'll slap my wrist.
Ouch!
I have always said, that Macs are so damn simple that its difficult to use.
I am beginning to suspect that easy to use is now a myth. Or perhaps people forgot that Windows OS has gotten a lot better?
Instead, try to figure out what's causing them.
A complaint is nothing more than verbalizing (mentally, or out loud) some kind of frustration or disappointment with a situation, and is the result of a gap between anticipated reality (a hoped-for expectation) and reality.
This experienced frustration is an internalized tension that attempted to resolve itself via complaining ("Tension seeks resolution" - see The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz).
Most complaining seems to involve things that other people did or didn't do. Since we usually can't control what others do, we're frustrated when they don't do what we want:
"I went into the post office and had to stand behind this rude guy for 30 minutes. It was a waste of time. From now on, I’ll go in the mornings before 10am to avoid the crowd.�
You were not expecting him to be in the post office, and you were frustrated that your time was "wasted." But, the fact is, even if you went there at 10am and he was the only other person in the place, you'd still be complaining because you wouldn't have expected him (in fact, you'd probably be complaining even more).
Although it's a good start, we can do better than simply going 21 days without complaining. Instead of focusing on eliminating complaining, it may be better to ask ourselves what's *really* causing us to feel frustrated, angry, disappointed. That's where real progress and self-improvement will be made...
"Hmmm... why am I so pissed about being late to mail letter right now?"
or...
"Why did I just call John a muppet? What's that all about?"
This introspection should eventually lead to more realistic expectations of others and life events, resulting in less internal tension, disappointment and frustration.
Change what you can, and let go of what you can't - and you'll never complain again.
No bracelet necessary. ; )
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop?
Blaming others
Q: How could train themselves to stop?
Blaming makes us feel better, and absolves us from having to take responsibility for ourselves and our lives. Any time you catch yourself blaming someone else for your misery, stop and ask, "Why am I really blaming x?" (I have my theory on this one, but I've already babbled enough here...)
Q: Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
Anything that kids love - think: Squirt guns, water balloons, shaving cream, whoopie cushions, finger painting, laser tag, sword fighting (a buck-a-piece for the soft, bendy ones at the dollar store), etc. Anything that lets grown-ups blow off steam while not having to feel like a grown-up.
We're all kids at heart. It's just that most of us have forgotten it...
-------------------------------------------------
BTW: I'm also in the process of switching to a Mac after 13 years on a PC. You may want to try running WinXP using Parallels software to make the transition a bit easier.
BTW2: Enjoyed the book, Tim. Good luck on your trip.
My best,
-joe chapuis
I think a good idea would be to hold the party someplace that's unusual and inexpensive. I went to a party once at the Vancouver Aquarium. They rented a section of the aquarium that was seperate so by closing teh doors it created a provate function where we could party while surrounded by exotic fish.
Here in Calgary there's a botanical garden located on the top floor of a downtown mall. It's absolutely gorgeous and for a very reasonable price you could rent the place leaving a Garden of Eden to party in. I'm sure the Tim Ferris entourage includes some guy that can DJ. If you don't know anyone I could loan you a couple of my friends that DJ. I'm a big fan or bartering so if you don't know someone that has the talents that you need just find out what you could offer them that would entice them to do it on trade.
Now on to food. My limited experience tells me that ingenuity and creativity are more important than a caterer. It's easy to conjure up a menu complete with caviar and champagne but when you use simple foods it's memorable and fun and that creates something for people to talk about which is the whole point of a VIP party after all, right?
I love parties so thanks for the time down that thought trail.
There's one behavior I have a very hard time being around and that's noisy eating. It makes my skin crawl in a bad way.
I think this will create more positivity in one's day, and will give random people the chance to have a good day.
bonus: The event would be a volunteer day. No money, just man/woman power to get a project done. The VIP's will be signed up in advance to pick their activity. It would take place at a park, and would involve playing sports and crafts with a local childrens club. The press will draw the VIP's and the kids will benefit from the helping hands. The boys/girls club would have all the equipment or the VIP's could bring some. The kids will put on a performance at the end for their graditude. Donations will taken for food, drink, and everything else.
An unforgettable party? Have everyone bring their used Christmas trees to central park for a big bon fire.
I believe we should endeavor to stop using little white lies such as "I'm only five minutes away" or "I tried to call you: I don't know why you didn't get the message." These small inaccuracies may seem to be useful in smoothing over a situation, but really they just drive a little wedge between people. What it comes down to is this: WE know we lied. THEY may SUSPECT we lied. Heck, they might KNOW we lied! Any of these perceptions can easily lead to a nebulous sense of mistrust among one another. Also, it's just a time-waster and energy waster to keep track of little white lies. It's as exhausting as living two lives simultaneously!
When we screw up in a minor way, such as being late or forgetting to return a phone call, a sincere and succinct apology for our thoughtlessness will go a long way to not only developing and maintaining good relationships but keeping our brains available for more important things.
So---how can a person reduce the number of little white lies? Do what my husband and I did: Admit them a soon as they pass your lips, apologize, and then PAY for them. We settled on $100 per white lie, because it was an amount of money that we would be loath to lose over something so trivial, yet it was still feasible to carry such a sum at all times, ready to surrender. We paid the cash to the person we had disrespected with our white lie. It worked. We spent some cash, but gained alot of 'brain-space' and a real sense of personal responsibility.
BONUS: 100 VIPS/San Francisco/$1,000
Go for a new-vaudeville/20s'30's Hollywood theme: Try booking the Bilgewater Brothers or Janet Klein and her Parlor Boys. (Try to barter these.) Invite classic car buffs to show off their 1920's and 30's Packards and Rolls Royces. (Remember to ask Jay Leno) Throw in a few smartly clad 'cigarette girls' with trays of sweets (Cracker Jack currently has a 'retro' label and other retro sweets are available in online stores). Play a soundtrack of 20's and 30's music. Teach everyone to Charleston! (And be sure to invite me along for the ride. I'm a hell of a hostess.)
Better language would be, "Here's an idea . . ." or as simple as, "I think . . ."
How to change it? For every idea you preface with a self-conscious statement, you must come up with and confidently introduce two more ideas.
Saying "sorry" for everything from swearing in front of Grandma to creating a brief cha-cha traffic jam at the elevator entrance. Or in the case of low self-esteem, "I'm sorry but this steak is well-done and I ordered it rare..." and "I'm sorry but I need to ask you some questions about this job brief you didn't completely fill out."
1) Get some sorry-pals. Key people who can alert you to your sorry slips by pointing it out with a hand gesture or code word.
2) Attempt to build self-worth by simple affirmations when you hear yourself do it or a sorry-pal points it out. For example, "I am worthy."
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
Two words: Photo Booth.
(quick google search did show options below $1,000)
Our behaviors determine what it is we habituate to. Habituation over time, across the various aspects of our behavior leads to the umbrella term of comfort zone. Just observe your behavior from day to day: When you drive to a familiar place (work, mall, school etc.) do you usually park in one particular area? Do you always take the same route to get to your destination? Do you always have the same interaction with shopping clerks, servers, service people or whoever? When extended to the social realm I've found you tend to involve yourself in the same types of interactions and anything novel seems uncomfortable. Why? Because it's out of your comfort zone.
So how do you consciously get out of your comfort zone? Usually I talk myself into pushing through that comfort zone barrier. Say you wish to talk to an attractive lady, or do something like Tim suggests in the book such as laying down in a public place. These are the questions I ask myself: What's the worst that can happen? (I take that and half it cause we always inflate our worst case scenarios); Is the result worth the effort (Sure you might get rejected by that lady but the accomplishment of just talking outweighs the potential regret at missed opportunities). With the answers to these questions it's a lot more realistic to get over that barrier. To finalize I just stop myself from over rationalization by counting down from 3 to 1 and then going for it. The best way to learn to swim is to jump into the deep end!
Correct the behavior by placing a sticker on the bathroom mirror, car rearview mirror and cell phone. Every time you see the sticker repeat these affirmations:
I refrain from comparing myself to others
I like myself
I accept myself
I accept others
I am a worthy person
I fit in
I have a place in this world
I am capapble of great things
Bonus Question - VIP Party: Have a dodgeball tournament.
2. Making an excuse why something can't be done and not offering an alternative solution.
It is depressing when someone talks about their dreams and then follows up with an excuse why their dream can never happen.
Outstanding!
What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop?
STOP NEGATIVE “mind-reading� (a form of rapid cognition) ie, making negative judgments and impressions of people we encounter on a day-to-day basis which result in misunderstandings, hurt feelings and arguments. Whether the interaction is with our parents, siblings, spouse, children, co-worker, boss, roommate, drivers, etc.…when conflict, discourse or strife arise, rather than jumping to a negative conclusion, consider the alternatives and become the catalyst for positive social interactions.
I am a firm believer in our power to “mind-read� (i.e., interpret another person’s intended message) even when they don’t use words to communicate those thoughts. Interpretation of facial expressions and body language as much as the words used are at the heart of human expression and at the heart of connection to one another. It seems however, that when we are not able to reach a “meeting of the minds,� conflict arises. My challenge is to stop the stream of predictions and inferences about what the OTHER person is thinking or feeling when at times we receive an unexpected response that results in a breakdown of connection.
How to train ourselves to stop “mind reading� other people when you receive an unexpected or unpleasant response?
Stop mind-reading and take the bold step to interact with the communicator in a manner that fosters authentic and deep human interaction. Ask the person what they meant. Of course, the depth and intimacy of each discussion will vary with the role that individual has in your life (obviously, the discussion you have with your boss will most likely not be near as intimate as the one you have with your lover or spouse).
I have found that being vulnerable and authentic in our requests for thoughts and feelings of others opens opportunities for dialogue, resolution of conflict and greater probability of deeper connections that may have been limited or non-existent with that individual. And it is my belief that it is this type of interaction that makes personal growth truly possible. The challenge is to have 5 of these conversations in a 30 day period. At the end of the 30 days look to see what effect the discussion had on your personal growth, the relationship with the individual and any additional or collateral positive results in your circle of life or in the community that surrounds you.
Bonus:
In SF hold the event at the zoo (weather permitting). Use 100 underprivileged or at-risk high school students (hand-picked by their teachers) as volunteers to valet (the fancy cars the VIPs arrive in), greet and escort the VIPs to their assigned “mingle� area where the VIPs will be able to mingle with other VIPs as well as the students. Request that each VIP donate an item of “personal� value that is not tied to the reason the person is a VIP - for example, a pro-athlete can donate an original painting he/she created, a financial guru can donate an original recording of a song he wrote, etc…but every VIP must bring something to be raffled off and the only candidates for receipt are the 100 students. Presentment of the donated will be followed by a brief history of the article they are donating, why it is meaningful to the VIP and what they would like the student to remember of the article. One year after the event, poll the students and ask them how, or if, the event affected their life and have the students write each VIP with his/her answer.
While they themselves may be the one actually making the comment or joke the result is still the same, people laughing at you. The lower brain (cerebellum) will still chalk it up to simply being laughed at, or worse feeling like a clown, simply there for others amusement, regardless of the why of it.
Your cerebellum is a power-house affecting how you feel all the time, even though you may not be aware why. You might know a little about it Tim, it is after all were muscle memory is stored also.
So I say, if you make a comment or joke at your own expense, you then have to make a public comment about some quality that you like about yourself. Better if it is in front of strangers.
First, when you a say something positive about yourself in public instead of your internal dialog, you will find yourself in the good place of thinking about your positive qualities. Also, your mind is hard-wired to seek pleasure and avoid discomfort. Some people may find the idea of the next time they have to pay for gas and then turning to the line behind them and saying "I Rock!" slightly discomforting, thus making them want to avoid being self-deprecating.
There are several positives to your phyisce that come along with public claims of your goodness and the only downfall I can think of is some strangers might think your a little cocky. As an added bonus, it may even help out with your "Getting Comfortable in Public" exercises.
BONUS:
As for your party ideas I would defiantly have to go with a "Fear Setting" theme. To get in you would have to do it in an way that would have you doing something a little adventurous.
Maybe not zip-lining in form the neighbors roof or anything, but something at the door or upon entrance they had to do to get in. Of course they could opt-out, but where is the fun in that? Besides, it would kill the whole uncomfortable first walking into a party feeling and replace it with a feeling of excitement. As for people who may just be feeling a little unenthusiastic or jet lagged, or whatever, it will get their blood flowing along with guaranteeing that everyone there had at the very least one thing to talk about and will probably be talking about the next day too. Besides October is right around the corner and it tis the season.....
One last note on the idea of controlling your thoughts etc.
I need to recommend "The Athlete's Way" by Christopher Bergland. It may not show in the title, but this book is great for information linking brain functions and synaptic pathway forming habits etc. Highly recommended.
I also took your advice Tim and contacted the author with some praise and advice and he seemed like a great guy.
It's been said in the comments above: "[...] they suggest you ’snap’ the band against your wrist rather than swap it from arm to arm." and then: "Associate enough pain with a behavior, and just like a rat, you will find an alternative."
Actually I've found that using a razor blade works even more effectively. E.g. just slightly cut the uppermost layer of your arm's skin. Somehow your body or reptile parts of your brain seem to revolt when you even think about doing this (you can proably observe this effect while reading my recommendation here ;). Do this just a couple of times and your body starts to support you in thinking more consciously.
This technique probably isn't for everybody. But for me it always worked very well :)
Oh and ... in "Man, I went into the post office and had to stand behind this rude guy for 30 minutes. It was a waste of time. From now on, I’ll go in the mornings before 10am to avoid the crowd." to me this would not count as a complaint only if you omit the "rude", too! For the constructive conclusion (being there earlier in the future) it doesn't matter at all if that guy has been rude or not. Which really would mean that you re-allow focussing yourself on a negative construct.
Screaming. I'm pleased to see that no other commenter seems to have a screamer to deal with. It is the most awful, debilitating thing. If you're being screamed at, there is no possibility for communicating, no matter how much a good talk is really needed. How to stop this behavior? The person doing it has to want to stop. How to make them want to stop? I truly wish I knew. Great post Tim!
Solution: When there is doubt, to go back and ask again. Catching yourself when the thought "I think this is what s/he said" occurs. 2-part bracelet. Keep a running total on a bracelet in minutes of time wasted due to assuming for a 2 week period as well as number of times. Then the second part of the bracelet starts for the next 4 weeks where every time catch yourself assuming and correct it, you add the average time you saved (wasted minutes over assumption times of the first 2 weeks).
Bonus ($1000): A star-party on a night with meteor showers. Rent a few telescopes ($60 apiece, 5 for $300). In SF, find a park/field away from city lights. Have some refreshments and sparklers to wave around ($250 for food, 15 boxes of sparklers (10 in each) for $50 or less, total $300). Have a blast pointing out constellations and watching the shower.
Total: $600
ANSWER: Hold the event at a local cooking school. Let the students cook all of the appetizers/main dishes. Pay the school a small amount for the food costs and perhaps space rental. Be sure that the students have pre-printed recipies for everything the VIPs are eating, in exchange for....
The VIPs allow themselves to be interviewed by the students for Life Tips, Entrepreneurial Tips, Starting a Business, Networking, Exciting Stories, autographs, etc. etc. etc. I would have killed to rub shoulders with some real VIPs when starting my business....
Haven't read all the posts, so I hope I'm not repeating anything.
I think we should eliminate promises.
Every time we make a promise that we can't keep, we lose integrity. And even if we keep the promise, we've only met the expectation.
You can always exceed expectations if nothing is promised.
And life becomes a lot less stressful when you aren't constantly striving to keep your promises.
And... I would have a gigantic game of Twister at the party!
Chuck
P.S. We have a mutual friend, Dean Jackson.
I loved your idea about a star party. Just a comment, though, that the LAST thing any astronomer (or amateur) needs is sparkler to destroy his night vision. At real star parties, all lights must be covered with red, as that is the least disruptive to the eyes. If you must have sparklers, at least don't get them out till everyone is completely done looking at the night sky.
For the dinner party, I would do one of those events where 1 person gets fed an elaborate American dinner, the majority receive only rice and water and some get nothing at all to illustrate how skewed the world is and how truly lucky we are to live in "the land of plenty". I have participated in dinners like this and they are eye-opening.
:)
If you use the Tiger operating system, this feature is built directly into the Mail program that comes bundled with it.
I've just completed a post on why so many businesses are switching to the Mac platform it can be found here http://www.askbigpapa.com/blogs/16/Dump-your-PC...
There is also a post listing some great business resources for Mac users at http://www.askbigpapa.com/blogs/15/Mac-Computer....
I believe that people should stop making excuses. For each time one makes an excuse, they should write two-three solutions or suggestions. This would teach either 1)stop making excuses or 2)if they use their minds, they can find a positive solution.
I have used this personally. I do not accept NO as an answer....ever. If I make a mistake, I own up to it. It has done wonders for me personally and professionally.
As to the bonus question, VIPs are human too. Therefore, I would suggest a theme based pot luck gathering, ie football teams, 40's, hippies etc. This makes it fun and keeps costs low by the attendees providing the food or snacks. I know that both NYC and San Fran have beautiful public parks or recreation areas. Most of these areas have grills and restrooms. If you call ahead, these parks would reserve the area that would accomodate a group that large. Good luck.
What a great post! I haven't read the book but I just had my secretary order it and I look forward to absorbing it soon. I'm sure the author mentions Philippians 2:14 "Do everything without complaining of arguing..."
As far as the VIP party challenge, here are my thoughts. I'd choose the SF option. I was born an raised in Redwood City and lived there until August 2003. I have a great friend who just happens to be a millionaire so I'd ask him and his wife to host the party. They really have the gift of hospitality and I'm sure they'd come through. If using a rich friend wasn't an option, I'd do a wine tasting on the Golden Gate. I'd email every Northern California wine maker and have them submit 5 bottles for a premiere contest/event. If wine on the Golden Gate at sunset isn't your thing, I would try and rent out the Planetarium or other attraction at the California Academy of Sciences and throw some kinda space or science theme deal. Another idea is to host the party coinciding wtih a Giants game where you can watch the game through the gate, send someone in the game with a ticket and get a bunch of Gorden Biersch garlic fries and bring your own beers and just have a blast.
Never complain about someone behind their back unless you tell it to their face.
Example: My best friend has a little too much PDA with his new girlfriend. A lot of people have been mentioning how uncomfortable it makes them. I agree with them, and then confront him about it. He sees it, but feels this is the girl he will marry, and actually enjoys the comment because it tells him that he has never felt this way about anyone.
Example: another friend is habitually acting like an a-hole, but people are not confronting him about it. I agree with them, and tell him that I think he is acting like an a-hole. He is defensive about it, acts like slightly less of an a-hole. It may get worse before it gets better, but at least it is on the table.
Example: a friend states that another friend is cheap. I say nothing in response. Decide later this initial thought is shallow, and probably motivated out of envy.
This is an ideal, of course. And it usually is only applicable to someone you have an ongoing relationship with. But, it does force me to stay away from mere idle gossip. And if it is real enough for me to agree with, I am forced to confront someone about it. A result is that I get better at confronting people about things. I've often found that it is not a problem when I confront someone about it, and it tends to strengthen my relationship with that person. If only because there are no secret thoughts I am holding back from that person. It also gives me a general reputation for not talking negative about people behind their backs.
Love reading the blog.
I think one of the biggest wastes of time is poeple asking questions or for help when they can take care of it themselves. Just like you said in the book. You let your employees solve the problems instead of bother you. Made them more efficient and saved you time.
Make a braclet with each side a different color. Set a time limit like the other braclet. Each time your ask a question about something or get help to solve a problem, you flip the braclet over, revealing a diffrent color. The goal is to last till the goal without seeking help.
In the end the user of the braclet will be more efficient, self relient and will save other people time.
Have a great trip!!
This article reminded me (again) that I should concentrate on thinking positively. I do tend to be a solution finder, but I've found that when I try to do it for other people, they just get frustrated - they just want an audience. That's OK. But I'm not going to listen anymore! Now I just have to figure out how to lure them onto more interesting topics....
If you are looking for something fun to have at an event - in Melbourne, Australia I came across a small, brightly-colored building on the sidewalk. There was a barker dressed in a striped jacket, top hat, and red pants outside, brandishing his cane and calling to people walking by. The building was a theater for 1. The barker let you choose a 10 minute play from a list, all of which were written by local playwrights, and then you paid him $8. He ushered you into the building, where a single actor performed the play for you. The plays were a bit interactive with intriguing twists at the end. For $1000 I think you could build the building, pay an actor and a barker, and convince a few playwrights to write a 10 minute play or two. Depending on who the VIPs were, you probably could convince the playwrights to do it for free :)
Thanks, Tim, for sharing so many of your solutions and thoughts. I have been enjoying them immensely!
Take a second to think about the fact that they call themselves cultists...when is a cult *ever* good?
I switched in January. Slow. Painful.
I keep asking MAC-abees how to do things...and they always say it's because PC's programmed us wrong. Generally not the case. In some cases yes.
There is a global standard for mute...and it's not a speaker icon. : )
Your blog is truly inspiring. I admire the messages you're sharing with the entire planet!
In reference to a behaviour people should stop, I agree with you that constructive criticism can be a good thing.
However, I recommend people stop being too generous when it comes to dishing it out.
Constructive criticism usually equals unsolicited advice. It is often too quick and shows lack of understanding for the point of view or problems faced by another person. It can erode relationships intimate or otherwise - especially when it is conveniently used to mask a negative focus on what needs to change - rather than appreciating all the good things around us.
People can stop overdoing constructive criticism by focusing on what THEY themselves are doing instead of what OTHERS are doing. If you're focusing your creative powers on yourself instead of others, you'll find you have far more influence over everyone else in the end. (You'll also discover what hard work it is to put all of those fabulous suggestions into practice).
Another way to stop overdoing constructive criticism is to put your suggestions in writing. This gives you a chance to make sure your're not too quick to jump in with well-intentioned advice AND make sure your communication meets certain requirements - like:
1. Truly recognise the good intentions, actions and attributes of the other person before moving on to your advice. Show them you honestly understand this little fragment of life from their point of view...
2. Offer a genuinely viable solution to the problem and not just the first one-sided idea that occurs to you.
From Spain
Brenda
the basics [no complaining, criticizing, or insults]
no self-deprication
no thinly veiled sarcasm meant to insult, but sounds funny.
I realized not only that I have tricky ways of negative speaking behavior, but apparently, I also talk to myself. a lot. and what I say is usually not very nice and usually about myself. so, what I would like to say is thank you. thank you for sharing this idea with me to open my eyes to the daily barrage of self-defeating behavior I inflict on myself without even thinking about it. To be more aware of how I treat myself is probably the best lesson I will learn from this. I cant wait to get thru a whole day!
If they will be helping with an event for VIP's, this will be a good networking opportunity for them. Graduate and senior university students can be excellent representatives for a project/job like this, if you get the right ones. That is why going to the faculty is very helpful; they would know the best students to select. Students are normally eager to get out in the workforce and do have an admirable idealist attitude. You can excite them easier.
Make sure that they will have a good reference from you in jobs that they will go for after they graduate, and see if there is a connection that can happen between them and a few of the VIP's that will attend. I would say even let the VIP's know that your dream team of event planners are from "such and such" university, and may become valuable assets to their companies.
Apologizing insincerely. You are either sorry, or you are not sorry. If the word "but" follows your apology, you aren't sorry.
For example: "I'm sorry, but you really made me upset."
What this really means: "You hurt my feelings and I wanted to retaliate and hurt you back."
Until we recognize what are really saying to each other, we can't hope to communicate. We also have to take responsibility for our own actions and our control of our emotions. If you apologize, be specific about what you are apologizing for and why, and be sincere: "I am sorry I called you that name. I was angry and lost control, and that isn't who I want to be. It was not the right thing to do, and I won't do it again."
Apologize sincerely, or not at all.
One behavior people should stop doing: performing tasks that are not priorities! Every time you find yourself worrying about or actually doing something that is not important to you, switch the band to the other hand! The action is so important, otherwise it doesn't mean anything to recognize it, and it's just another passing thought.
Keep up the good work!
Ex1) I love running before work. It gives "you" energy for the rest of the day.
This person should say, "I love running before work. It gives me energy for the rest of the day.
It is very presumtious to assume that because an event or experience effects me in a certain way that the same event or experience can be applied to the general population.
Pay attention to how many people apply personal experiences to the "you." Don't let your identity become diluted by those who are afriad to stand alone with their feelings.
One of the best yet..
It is interesting that you posted this because I just read something about eliminating complaining and how it is easier to accomplish than just trying to think positive..
Controlling your thoughts is something that most people do NOT do..
One thing that I have done was try to sit for 5-15 minutes and do not think..
Obviously this is virtually impossible BUT you find out how many thoughts are running thru your mind when you try to stop thinking..
Once I have done this for a couple days it makes me THINK continuously BEFORE I let a thought run its course OR before I speak..
Again, great post..
I hate time lines. I hate people that miss time lines more. I think folks that miss time lines should have to wear a crossing guard vest around the office to show they are slowing down the process.
This may be extreme but I just believe we do such a bad job in the workplace of rewarding bad behavior.
I have a nice one,
BD
No more pity parties! The American mental health system is no doubt fostering and encouraging this defeating behavior. They should be teaching people that they have control over every aspect of their lives. If you're an alcoholic you don't have a disease, you have a really hard choice. But that is the best news anyone can give you because that choice is yours! Likewise with people who hold onto childhood events as an excuse to stay stuck- it's over, put it to good use or forget about it.
No one said it'll be easy.
"Did you send that letter to the airlines? Response- "I found the address wrote the letter BUT have not mailed it yet"
Just say NO.
I would prefer people to get to the point instead of telling me everything they did. If I'm going to work 4 hours I need to know imediately if the task is complete, not how close you are to completing it.
I am trying to have people "cut to the chase" as descibed in the book by making myself appear preoccupied. However, to train them I now ask for a simple yes or no answere.
VIP party in SF because of weather and you can find a free outside venue.
On the invitations tell them to bring they own refreshements and a bag with their name on it and make the promise that they will never forget this party! They will be intriqued and show up.
When they check into the party they will be given plain white tee shirts (that say "we are human") and shorts. Their clothes go in the bag with thier names on it. All bags will be publicly auctioned off and the proceeds or clothes will be given to charity. They will have a lot of fun at their own expense, do something for a cause, and have a tee shirt and shorts to remember what they did for fellow humans.
You would be able to get all the items for party donated by local musicians, charities. Drop a dime to media about an unuasual surprise party for a 1000 VIPs. Donate the $1000.
I m not a tree hugger or a charitable person but I do think that a VIP would like the change.
and your suggestion about just using a rubber band instead of the official bracelet is pure genius. that way you can ping yourself with the rubber band every time you slip, in addition to changing wrists. adds a little bit more classical conditioning to the whole process. before you know it, just complaining is gonna make you cringe in pain... :-)
Keep up the great work!!
Dave
Stop interrupting others while they are talking, or better yet, try actually listening to what people have to say instead of just waiting for "your turn" to talk.
You will be surprised what you can learn.... People will tell you exactly who they are and what they area all about, whether they realize it or not, if you just listen!
Take a room full of people, and take away all watches, cell phones, time pieces, remove all the clocks, and say for the next hour we're going to have a workshop on non-verbal communication. It helps to have a couple of nutbars in the room as seed corn to start the zany.
The rules are: no talking. No sign language. No writing anything. Zero. Nada. No nametags.
Most people assume that we will all just sit in a circle and meditate calmly for the hour. That's where the nutbars come in. I was a nutbar for the first one of these I went to- I ran around cackling madly, stealing people's right shoes. I made a big pile of them in the middle of the room. At first people aggrievedly tried to get them back, but I was determined. :)
There is something about being in a non-verbal space like that that tends to let people PLAY. It's amazing what happens. One of things I have seen at an event like this:
Man taking tablecloth off table, dressing himself as the Statue of Liberty, holding a lightbulb instead of a torch. A bunch of people around him started to bow like Wayne and Garth when they met Alice Cooper in Wayne's World. After about half the room was doing this, two guys picked up the non-moving, stiff as a board man from his ankles and put him on the table, re-arranged the tablecloth, and then pretended to eat the lightbulb.
These were people that had NEVER met before. It was crazy. It was totally the hit of the conference.
If I had a grand, and a thousand people like this, I'd go to goodwill and buy every piece of cheap crap toy, prop, costume, etc I could think of. Plastic swords. Wigs. Bad 1980's sunglasses. Cop and robber gun sets. Hula skirts. Lots of hats. Horrible, horrible tacky prom dresses. Cowboy boots. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle masks. Peices of tubes and sticks.
You could put a box of them at each table, or in the middle of a small circle of chairs (all the furniture gets shoved around at the ones I've gone to, too much around gets in the way) and at the end of the event have people put the toys back and give them right back to the goodwill.
You'd have to separate people from those they came with, put them around strangers or it'll take longer for them to loosen up. With that many people, having corner announced at the end of the event for missing items to go (you'd be stunned how many people loose socks).
If you have a few people who know what's going to happen, having them set to some random task (stealing all the right shoes in the room, moving all the furniture to the front of the room while another person is stealing that stockpiled furniture and moving it to the back of the room, another person building a fort out of pillows, two people doing a lightsaber duel with toy swords) should help things get started very nicely.
These work best for one to three hour time slots, in my experience. Afterwards people glow with happy, and have a much easier time focusing on whatever you want to tell them.
I hope that helps, it's a hell of a lot of fun and way more productive at networking than it sounds!
What other behavior should people stop? Letting snailmail and email clutter up our lives. This is a subset of putting things off. My personal solution is to handle things immediately. Thank goodness for on-line banking where I can fire off a check to the Jerrys Kids or the Salvation Army without ever having to hassle with return snailmail -- and no snailmail piles awaiting time to write a check, etc. :-)
As for the party -- have a "We All Put Our Clothes On The Same Way, Show & Tell Party." Everyone would wear plain, white towels (as many as they wished)-- so they are dressed in the same attire. They can wear clothing underneath, but it must be concealed by the towel(s). No one can wear jewelry or other ornaments. Each person is to bring something to show & tell. Invite ten local elementary schools to send a child as a representative of the school and to start the "Show & Tell" party. Give each childs school $100 for the childs participation in the event. Put a one minute limit on the time for each person. And each person should tell why the item is important to them.
Either this sites script or my computer is jumping to the top of this blog every time I try to type an apostrophe. Its a wonderful test of my mettle. Ive only had to switch wrists about five times before I started "going with the flow" :-)
Discontent. This shows itself in various ways. Can you train yourself to be content? Yes. It is a form of complaining. If you can learn to stop complaining you can learn to recognize and stop being discontent. When I am tempted to ogle another woman I am signaling my discontent with my faithful wife. When I am talking with someone and look over their shoulder I signal my discontent with the conversation. There may be times for this, but I am addressing habitual discontent.
How to train yourself. Another bracelet or similar device would work. Anything that reminds you to be responsible will do. What are you being responsible for? For me, I have to be responsible for what my eyes take in and my attitude. I can't help what other people wear or do to get my attention. But I can be responsible for feeding on it or responding to it. If I am engaged in conversation I have to keep my attention focused on my guest or host. Looking over their shoulder won't help me. If I catch a glimpse of a chartreuse halter top I think of all the years my good wife has put into our relationship and how I can honor her with my attention. Perpetually scanning a crowd (or perpetually shopping) could suggest unhappiness with life or circumstances.
You can train yourself to be content by focusing on what you have. Sure you've lost things that can range from opportunities to failed relationships to premature death of your children, abuse, etc. (I'm not trying to trivialize lose but blogs can't be all inclusive). Everyone suffers. That's life. Learning contentment is learning how to deal with life and it's junk and still being grateful. Realize that any of life's junk can happen to you at any moment.
If nothing else, you can be grateful for the opportunity you have to change. You can be grateful for hope.
You mean you're not satisfied with having your VA send you a mail-order bride? ;-)
My experience with relationships and the study of them has been:
a) Getting caught up in other people's theories is only prone to make me neurotic and confuse any relationship's real issues, and
b) The more precisely I can specifically identify my own needs and expectations, and then directly ask for them to be met (while helping my partner do the same) the happier we'll both be.
Even though I'm intuitive, I don't assume I know what a partner thinks. When I ask better questions, I get better answers, and I have better relationships. If I'm having problems, I try to immediately discern how to ask a better question, or make a more neutral, yet descriptive and informative, statement. And, of course all of Tim's advice about not complaining, blaming others, etc. applies.
At that point, the question ceases to be whether or not the relationship is working as well as it possibly can be. That's almost a given. Instead, the question is more along the lines of, "Do I merely enjoy this person's company, or am I so thoroughly inspired and fulfilled by them and the partnership we create that I want to trust them and be more accountable to them than anyone else on the planet for the forseeable future/rest of my life?"
On a different note, I'm thrilled that Tim is using a Mac. I'm such a Mac geek that I almost went to the Leopard release party last night. I have to order online to get an education discount, though, so I passed.
Some call me silly. I think I am the non-silly one. What do YOU want to expand in your life? Liveliness or Death & Disease (another "hot topic"). So put your purple band on, and every time, for one week, you talk about death or disease or sickness, switch it over. Watch how many times you have to. You will be surprised.
THEN, use the purple band to STOP that thinking, and notice how much more energized you are!
Remember, you have not a second (0%) of personal experience with death, but every second of your existence (100%) with life. Why would you want to empower self-destructive thoughts and words? Just a bad, socially-reinforced (especially by churches, drug makers, funeral homes, doctors, and insurance companies) habit; one you can correct with the purple band!
2) How to entertain on less than a $1000 budget? Simple: Give them exercises to get to know themselves and each other, play team-building games (borrow some balls, string, rope, etc), spend the $1000 renting the ropes course.
Then teach them how to do Primary Domino Thinking (solving problems effectively - after all, life is just one damn problem after another, ain't it? Do some building of personal mission statements, let them read the 4 Hour Workweek and discuss it (get it on loan free from 1000 libraries), and learn how to meditate.
Hell, call me, I will lead it for you, and I guarantee it will be the best week these people ever had!
As for the party question, lets say that if you are pressed for budget, you can have a speech by somebody on a really boring topic about which nobody is interested in. But the thing is that everybody should sit through the lecture and nobody is allowed to leave the room, talk among themselves etc. as long as the lecture is going on. This can be a good change from the usual practice of people trying to make parties as much fun as possible. Try making it a little boring for a change and make it compulsory for people to endure it. See their response.
The speech can be about something useful like environmental pollution, global warming etc. and it can be used for spreading awareness. Also the people by enduring the boredom might learn to have control over their emotions as they force themselves to sit through the lecture.
I see it as the other way around...thoughts determine emotions which dictate our words and actions. The root of a complaint is judgment. Complaints don't necessarily have to come out of my mouth. Judgmental thoughts are equally as powerful.
How about defining a complaint as anything that disturbs one's peace?
If "I'm upset because of ______________" then I am choosing to engage in judgment. Judgment is suffering plain and simple. It is also part of the human experience. I believe it enhances my life because each time I choose to resolve the unresolved issues that create complaints(judgments)then I move up the spectrum in Consciousness. Peace and Freedom are automatic byproducts of resolving the unresolved issues that create judgments. The question then becomes HOW to resolve these issues and this is a personal quest that is not for the faint of heart. It requires vigilance.
Living a Conscious life is well worth it to me. At the end of the day, what is more exciting, empowering, and enlivening than Peace and Freedom? What else is there to be desired in life?
"Who do you think is going to win the next election?" There. Go ahead and talk while I listen (or pretend to) for the next few minutes.
A person who feels the urge to ask the aforementioned question could, for instance, replace it with a comment like: "I'm passionate about politics, and I can't wait to see who is going to win the next election." Even if you get no verbal reply, the person's body language will soon tell you whether your passion is shared.
By the way, I'm aware that this post is written in answer to a question. So obviously I consider asking questions as something that is allowable at least some of the time ;-)
ANSWER: Keep it positive. A few years ago, I spent a week at the home of a friend who had an African Gray Parrot, arguably the most intelligent species that isn't human. It was my first interaction with a non-human that could speak. What was most interesting was the friendly manner of speech of this animal, named Sophocles, his sensitivity to the emotions of the people and other animals, my friend's numerous other pets, in his surroundings. A major part of that was the bird's manner of speech: 100% AFFIRMATION.
How about it? Speak in positive terms.
You can apply a similar strategy to the examples cited in this blog post:
The Post Office Example:
From now on, I’ll go in the mornings before 10am to avoid the crowd.
The engineering emails:
For maximum effectiveness, I’ll just send the e-mails directly to Mary in engineering for the next two weeks to get buy-in. I think John will see that works well in accomplishing our objectives.
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
ANSWER: Body Painting!!!
Why hate on other people and/or the work they put out into the ether?
Ultimately, judging others is judging yourself, and judging other people's work puts you on the fast track to stifling your own creativity. What if the critics pan YOU??
With 100 VIP's and a thousand bucks I'd hijack a couple of Mister Softee trucks and the Staten Island ferry, pack it with hotties culled from the street and a couple good DJ's, let them eat ice cream and groove.
- overspending especially impulse buys online (as most of us are working too many hours just to pay off debts)
train themselves to stop by using a fake (web) "credit card" that you use to "spend" everytime you want to buy something but resist. when you use the credit card it just takes you to a website where you log the purchase and then every month you get mailed your "bill" which in fact shows you how much cash you're "saving" by not spending.
Re the party for VIP's
- ask each person to bring something with that represents something unnecessary that wastes their time that they want to rid from their life - and then have a moment where everyone sets light to their stuff in a big pile -
with luck some people might set fire to their cellphone, their blackberry or to do list ?!
a kind of bonfire of timewasting stuff
Thank you for your terrific blog. I am "randomly" finding you on New Year's Day. I have been in a terrible work situation (not complaining part - ) because I am not following my 'bliss'. I run the front desk & admin of a non-profit office, when I should be doing massage therapy. On some days I complain so much I make myself physically ill. I have a what seems to be an endless supply of (part-timers) fresh faces all who ask about my day. I think I have fallen into some diverticulum of the radical honesty project because I tell them, all the gory details, and each of my days have seemed to be full of them. Even talking about this, I feel the complaining coming on. I also gossip, I have been justifying this behaviour, because it is the only way I thought I could get trickle-down information from management, and though it has worked, I don't feel good about it. I think that the rubber band thing will help me. I have already been feeling better looking for office space for my business and I have to just believe that the right deal will come along when it should. Until that time, I gotta keep the job, & I have to remember that other people's failure to inform me (like when a Congressman is going to come tour our facility in 4 hours- smile- ok I am starting right *now*) is not my own failure to be receptive to what ever information they will share with me, especially since I will go on the 21 day no complaining diet! So thank you, and maybe I will even throw in "white" foods too.
Party with Budget under 1k, rent a yert & or tepee, light it with candles and have relaxing music & 10 min massage therapy sessions. Outside serve homemade tapas & instead of talking about your project all night, put it up on a screen and let the business people talk about how great they feel!
Your incites have inspired me.
I believe there is only one source for words that actually make everlasting change...words that have the innate ability to warp "reality."
A hierarchy of the best words would seem to be the most efficient path to change.
Well that gets to me talking about my writing- which of course involves people the way I see most people- Screwed through every fault of their own...
I met this chick New Years who asked about my writing. So obviously New Years I was miffed again that the world didn't end which meant 1) I didn't get laid on New Years and 2) I had things to attend to the next day, instead of the fun of having a permanent vacation if a meteor had smashed into me or Godzilla farted on me or the hand of Elvis rose from the Heavens and threw lightning at everybody.
Anyway when she asked about my writing and what it was about of course I had said, "Oh you know same old fun stuff- heroin addiction, suicide, alienation, desperation, failure, the amusing follies of #*@!ups and retards."
At that point her eyes lit up and in a minute or two she was making out with me to the extent that we walked to the door with lips locked and my hand nearly on her ass. She couldnt take her hands off of me and made the hilarious loser she was with jealous- So yeah sometimes complaining does actually work in rare one-night stand type situations... But usually you have to be a rock-star with a serious drug problem for that to work sadly (And I don't have neither.).
Food for thought...
Peace,
-Mike
The Party - I would invite the VIPs (let them know it is invitation only!) to pay for their own ticket on a round the island (Manhattan) trip on a full moon evening and promise that they would get to meet a very select group of people that they could make new business and social contact with, and use the money for cheap champagne in expensive looking bottles, and say 'dahling' a lot! Heather, Australia!
No budget in those locales...I'd serve domestic light beer on the beach or in central park - so cliche it would be certain to be memorable (in some sense...).
People should be be more willing to be accountable for their own actions, take responsibility, and not automatically lay blame on someone else (or someTHING else, at times.) Especially common in the workplace, passing the buck can often be counter-productive and can demonstrate a lack of integrity, maturity, honor, and leadership. While one may see this practice as merely a self-preserving escape route, it's also demonstrated as a bit of testimony to that person's weak character.
Which would you rather hear: "The mess up with the new system? Bob was really more to blame than I" -or- "Although others may have been involved, I was part of the problem and I'm willing to share in the responsibility."
I think it's generally more respectable to stand up and take your lumps. You'll look better for it.
--Steve
Red-hot anger. It's explosive, unpredictable and easy. On the road, on the phone, in hotels, in queues, or at home — almost everywhere, it seems people are lashing out.
It's ugly to see, and frightening too, but the awful truth is that anger is often rewarded. Yell and scream down the phone or show some irritation to a shop assistant and you might get quicker service. Scream at the CSR and demand a Supervisor and they get the answers that they want. Not necessarily the correct ones, but anger and outlashes got them to where they wanted to go faster.
The way we live today, experts say, opens the door to frustration and rage.
Anger. It builds like a pressure cooker. A look from another driver at the lights, a queue that's blocked by that wretched old woman, a booking phone number that plays prerecorded trash 24 hours a day and never seems to be picked up. A wrong word, a flat tire, a late train, a frozen computer screen, a cold dinner, warm beer — they're all fuel to the fire.
A way to stop this said “bad behavior”? Like another other bad “habit” that we seem to get into, Self Help would be the answer. First seeing the problem, then seeking the help we need to make it go away.
Well – with cash in the pocket at only $1000.00 I have no idea what type of event you think you can put on in NYC!!!! Ha-ha!
First I think I would try to get the community involved. Quick fundraisers, see who has an “in” with some sort of entertainment (everyone knows a DJ!), find a local catering company that would love the publicity and would do the event for free (for the exposure), visit local shops (stores) ask for some prizes to be donated, contact a local newspaper, radio, even TV and let them know about the event and if they would help support. It would be fun – no matter what – make it fun!
Dirty Looks - the passive aggressive's criticism. I know because I have both delivered and received such looks that they can ruin a day, even if you think the person they're aimed at hasn't noticed. So now, when I feel one coming on, I just stop and think: why? Is it because I'm jealous? Is it because I think this a serious issue which I think the person should be called up on? Or is just me being mean? And I act accordingly. I generally find it's because of an issue I have with myself so just checking up on myself prevents me from ruining someone else's day aswell as making me consider myself. So, we all win!
To re-size a photo on a Mac running Leopard (fastest way): click on the photo. Up comes the Preview program. Click on "Tools" in the menu bar. Go down to "adjust size".
Great post on learning a non-complaining, ie: "positive" lifestyle. Ties into the law of attraction philosophy - whatever you focus on, eventually comes around. Try to find a positive way of saying something (as ZKOT's post states).
Don't say "I've got to lose weight". The word "lose" is hard-wired in our brains as negative. Say "I'm going to get fit." Even better, "I am getting fit."
NEVER put off anything however tedious and you will be amazed how much better you feel by clearing the decks/mind and completing what you set out to do each day.
Party in the Park: Post a blog, ask bands to come along for free and get everyone who wants to attend to bring one drink and one of their own favourite recipes. (Could always ask Gordon Ramsay to attend and judge!)
Have fun people...J
it's a good topic: behavior:::
1) arriving late (or too early) all the time
2) make eye contact when speaking -every time.
3) constant mental criticism of self!!!
For about 12 years now I've been following a discipline to be GRATEFUL for everything. It's a faith-based deal: We all have negative karma (let's face it, over countless lifetimes odds are we boiled SOMEONE in oil), and painful events help us to cleanse it and learn to do better, so in fact they're good. Which feeds into the overarching idea that God by definition has things handled, and because of this everything will, in the end, be all right. So why wouldn't we be grateful?
We wouldn't because we're essentially no different from those slugs in Biology 101 who demonstrated negative and positive taxis by moving away from the vinegar and toward the celery juice. It's counter-intuitive to say "thank you" for something that makes you want to taxis right the hell out of here. In fact the idea is ripe for comedy: I remember when our teacher told us: "If your children give you a hard time you should say, 'Thank you very much for training my soul.'" I asked: "Then can we say, 'and if you don't stop right now I'll give you something to thank ME for'?" Explosions from the other learners: "Don't MAKE me give you something to THANK me for!" "You don't WANT me to give you something to THANK me for!" Arf, arf, arf....
Anyway, so this wrist band gave me a new way to approach the challenge. There are so many cool things about it. First, I'm not like you -- I'm changing it constantly, and I've had it for 2 months now. Any querulous tone of voice ("Where did I PUT that thing?"), and over it goes. Even verbalizing the negative event that led to the positive solution isn't allowed. For example, I can't mention the rude guy in the lineup, only the fact that I’ll go before 10am to avoid the crowd. This is really forcing me to watch myself being negative -- to see what's my "payoff." It's also sensitizing me to the effects of negativity, both on myself and others. And you know what? The effects are quite negative. Yes. In fact, so far I think the only negative verbalization I've heard that will almost certainly have positive effect is "I'm sorry."
You may disagree with that last statement. For example, I know what you said about constructive criticism. I'm not yet certain I'm against it. I myself love good criticism from people who respect me. But unless I know the other person feels the same way, I'd hesitate to mention any insufficiency on their part. Competency is relatively easy to achieve. Harmony is much harder.
Anyway, thanks for the post. It introduced me to the wrist band, and gave me the best challenge I've met in the past year.
My name is Braden Loader. I'm currently a commerce student at the University of Manitoba, and to be frank, I'm tired of being 21 and not sailing my own boat off the coast of Costa Rica!
I have a prospective business idea in the form of a self-guided adventure travel company, yet feel my business plan and concept are loose and undeveloped. I believe some serious strategic aid is to be sought if I'm not to be one of the several thousand internet sites that bite the dirt immediately. Realizing this may be an atypical request, I can only hope you'd humour me, as a newcomer such as myself could learn a lot from your business savvy. Where and when may we meet?
As urgency is a matter of opinion, I'll leave it up to you!
Regards (I just can't do the "cheers" thing),
Braden Loader
P.S. Apologies to those with intellectually stimulating comments, all I can do is try!
People are so hard on themselves, often unconsciously, sabotaging their own potential. I would use the bracelet to reinforce positive self-esteem, self-worth & inner-peace. I believe if more people developed authentic self-esteem the world would transform. Drugs & alcohol abuse, crime, violence, procrastination, fear, ego, etc would decline while cooperation, respect, collaboration, productivity, goodwill, generosity & inspiration, etc would prevail.
The answer to world peace? maybe.
Using the phrase "I didn't have time for that." Try replacing this with "I didn't make that a priority." More here: http://frugalize.blogspot.com/2008/01/time-is-a...
Behavior to change #2:
Externalizing blame when things go wrong.
How to change: When bad things happen, ask "What role did my actions play in bringing this about" and/or "what could I have done differently to prevent this?"
Only joking. Now to re-phrase that in line with this whole concept I would have to say "Wow, that's a pain, having to wait so many months for one of these but that's ok because I don't need a bit of plastic to remind me and besides at my age, wearing a strip of purple on my wrist is bound to confirm my friends in their opinion that I am just slightly eccentric, so I will have to use the old brain cells to come up with something that serves the same purpose but slightly more elegantly. "
I'm SO glad you said "I believe if more people developed authentic self-esteem the world would transform." AUTHENTIC is definitely the key word.
Have you ever heard of Donald Gallinger? He's a novelist who also teaches high school English. He writes hilarious blogs about kids. One is titled "My Self of Steam." Your comment made me think of it. Have a look:
http://www.donaldgallinger.com/dons-blog/7-dons...
Ha! Anyway, I agree with your comment.
Training: Make a purple and blue wrist band. Purple for complaing and blue for excuse making. As in your post anytime you complain or make and excuse you switch wrists. Also purple and blue are two of the colors in bruises which represent the bruising to your psyche that happens anytime you complain or make excuses.
Bonus:
A. Post on a blog looking for ideas...
B. Do a scavanger hunt based off of living like a local (i.e. NYC: find the engine manufacturer of the Staten Island Ferry, very cheap around $3 and they have to take a ferry ride and enjoy some wonderful views of NYC; find out how many rivits are in the Statue of Liberty, mentioned on the tour...). Forces you to live like a local while your setting up the event, something you like to do, and it gives the VIP's access to something they have never done before.
Enjoy and I love your book and blog.
Thanks,
Kyle
- To talk in negative ways about someone to another person without trying to clear the situation with the related person (=> do what you fear => effectiveness). Most of the problems with people in the world occur because people fear to talk to each other honestly (to tell the necessary things the other person what is involved in any way in your life should know).
How could train themselves to stop?
- The easiest way to stop complaining is to stop complaining about yourself (please really think about that!!!!)
If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
- Invite all the VIPs in front of a very good location (e.g. nightclub, restaurant, whatever you prefer) and tell them that this is a big fake because you had no money to organize such an event (it is tru but they will think you are kidding will all laugh). Of course you got in contact with the managemnt or PR department of the club and tell them that many VIPs will come to THEIR location (they will like it because it is good PR for free) and what they can offer you to bring them the stars. Then you ask them how much they spend for PR and give the money to you, I am sure you will have enough to have a great party then! If you really organize a party with no money and the VIPs come, it will definitely be memorable. ;-)
I have been aware that I complain a lot for a while but this is a great tool for change that I was missing. I haven't even made it a day without complaint yet, but I am doing it less. I absolutely feel better for it.
Thanks, Tim!
Living in the past. learn presence of mind and self awareness by getting small. If you are reading, devote 100% of your energy to reading. If you are
eating, do nothing but eat. When you find your mind wandering, refocus.
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
Begin with 30 minutes of meditation. Many would appreciate amoment of peace.
Talking about the weather and other unispired responses. I have noticed when you ask people what's up or whats going on they often talk about he weather, work and ailments. This is actually just another form of complaining but i feel it revolves around people having no Passion.
My idea is the Personal Passion Project.
I believe everyone should have a personal passion they are invested in. I will be launching classes and such in the near future to help with this project.
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
I would work with the local animal shelters and provide them pictures of my guests. I would ask them to bring an animal that most resembles each of my guests.
During the event you goal would be to find your VIP animal twin. Each VIP would have the option to adopt their animal twin or find it a home.
This would be good PR for the VIP's and a good time.
my 2 pesos.
- srikanth
Invite some of the hugest people in music, generally enjoyed by most and have some "kareoke with the stars"... that would be pretty memorable, fun, etc, who doesn't like to see big wigs up on stage either making a fool out of themselves (after a few drinks) or rocking the place with some surprising talent!
What people should stop doing:
People who complain about needing to lose weight should stop eating cake/donuts or their daily venti caramel frappuccinos with extra whip. Every time they do they should go do some bad dancing in front of a full length mirror naked. Better yet...just video chubby self dancing naked and replay it every time you eat those carbs. Carb freaks should begin low-carbing through week and take Saturday off to have that Venti Frapp. :)
Probably no more bracelets a year later! ha
What is the best way to read a book? Read the whole book fast to get a bird's-eye-view THEN go back and highlight?
Also,
What is your reasoning for reading only 1 Non-Fiction book at a time? Any one else have any specifics about this?
i was ready about how something like 80% or so of guys toughts are about sex so i think that would be fun to play with. Not saying its a bad behaviour (inside plausible limits...) but anyway...
My idea is similar to the wrist band. You should get a ring on your baby finger. The objective is to go by 30 days - without it going all the way trough the other fingers and ending on the oposite hand's baby finger.
So here's how it goes: everytime you get yourself (guy or girl) thinkin bout sex, BUSTED, change the ring to the following finger and start over.
this will give you 10 chances of starting over...
Of course that when youre with your girlfriend or so doesnt count...... i mean when youre alone or with or friends or whatever...
I think it would be fun and i'm not sure of what would be the personal consequences of this...ahahaha i guess that one would be like daammm this is hard! or something like metacognitive awareness training....
Something like that...i guess it would be a hard experiment
Would like to talk some things out with Tim if he gets to read this....
Cheers
I've tried this and it's not working for me. Perhaps the book contains more thorough details on cultural factors in application. The problem is, I'm Jewish. The majority of my conversation - a great proportion of which is funny and engaging - is dependent on complaints of assorted varieties.
I've found that without complaints, I'm short on entertaining stories, short on banter, and somewhat dry and soul-less.
The nature of The Jew has done a great deal for our society, through entertainment in particular; and I would contend that many of the insights that The Jew is uniquely able to present to the world comes from a hard-wired eye for agitators (or that which could result in complaint).
I would say that although the power of a positive frame is irrefutable, The Complaint is a valuable interpersonal tool.
I'd be interested to discuss this with you in more detail, and to hear any thoughts that you have pertaining to the role of The Complaint in humour, in making emotional connections; and the intrapersonal effects of The Complaint across different cultures.
Oye,
Joe
The CEO/VIP party would have no budget to begin with but those in attendance would be required to come up with an idea to raise funds for the party a la Apprentice-style teams (maybe 5 members per team). The winning team's fund-raising efforts will fund the party. Every other team's winnings go to the winner's charity of choice.
Would that work? :P
I notice in many conversations a lot of times, one person will be talking and then the other person will start talking not letting the first person finish their communication. Essentially cutting them off. It is so commonplace that it is not normally considered rude. But the person that gets cut off usually does not appreciate it.
This is a tough one but here are some ideas on how to stop that behavior. Practice one day at a time not cutting off other people. When someone cuts you off say politely: "Will you let me finish?"
As far as the bonus question, I would throw a carnival. Working for a non-profit, I am used to throwing parties with little to no money. It is amazing how cheap it is to throw a carnival with all the extras.... games, food, prizes. It would be a good reminder for everyone to realize how fun it is to be a kid again.
I would show them how to use $1,000 to make the night memorable, and they would never forget it.
What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop?
Other behaviors besides complaining that people should stop is being so negative. Negativity has a deep effect on me especially in school. If someone is depressed I can't be around them. So they should learn to turn the negativity into something positive or find a way to make it better.
- Joseph
Just baffles me.
I'd expect you to run Fedora or Ubuntu on something that's not overpriced and incapable *cough cough* like a mac *cough*
:(
Wow, macs are for n00bz.
And the people who posted before me act like Windows (which they call "PC" is the only other option)....
umm Fedora, Ubuntu???
I see you as the intello blogger who isn't like all the others (i.e. voting for Obama, using a Mac, blah, blah, blah)
You are against FISA!!! You do not fall into the two-party trap (GOP is to DEM as Windows is to Mac) The former being cheaper, more efficient, yet can get viruses (Let's continue the analogy by calling the viruses Neo-cons grr) and Macs, overpriced, inefficient, incapable.
Vote 3rd Party. Use Linux.
My top pick in this category is running others down. This includes criticism in all its forms when defined as diminishing someone.
“How could (they) train themselves to stop?”
This takes an awareness on the part of the individual of their behavior and a desire to change. Putting this into action, the individual declares their intention to stop the behavior, and corrects themselves along the way.
“Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?”
The event is created around (insert good cause here, I’ll use “having food with our meals”). The invitees are challenged to create and prepare themselves a dinner that feeds four and costs no more than $15. The dishes are prepared in larger portions and sampled by judges (food critics?) and are rated for nutrition, ease of preparation and taste. All recipes are published and the winners have scholarships named after them for underprivileged kids. The event is “paid” for through donations of venue, services, and the media cover other costs for an up-and-close evening with these high-powered people.
Cheers!
Being verbally abusive to myself when I mess up - as in, "How could I be such a stupid @#$%%?"
Bad habits I see all around me:
Comparing yourself to others and always coming up short. The grass is always greener on the other side. Some people look like they have everything together and then you find out they've lost someone they love, or they are going through a divorce.
Thinking other people are lucky and that's why they're where they're at in life, or why they are in shape, or why they have a fun job. Not everything in life is about luck. Physically fit people are fit because they are at the gym, or on a bike, and they watch what they eat. Saying other people are lucky is a cop out, because it infers that you can't accomplish these things yourself because you're not lucky.
Party idea - At least for the entertainment, we tried a small book called "If - Questions for the Game of Life". Put people in small groups and ask each other questions, some whimsical, some thought-provoking. You will walk away really knowing the people you played the game with. I guarantee you the questions are not about what you do for a living.
Please.
And if i were throwing a party with the above mentioned particulars, i would have a fleet of human powered drawn carriges out front of my high rise apartment. And in between the sesame chicken and the obscene dessert we would race to the capitol building here in Denver. Whoever got there first would receive a $100 mens warehouse gift-card, and a funky hat.
When you hear a whine in progress, try asking "What would you like to do?" (or something as similar as you can). Avoid slipping (or letting them) slip into how they want things to magically "be" without doing something themselves to create their preferred outcome.
I've observed that those who would rather be unhappy (presumably for the lack of anything better to do) often lapse into embarrassed silence a few seconds after their initial unempowered not-taking-personal-responsibility response. And occasionally, you get to witness a breakthrough (of the "I guess I could come half an hour earlier to avoid the queue" type).
best wishes...
J.R.
For a cheap memorable party, I'll go with the giant bubble recipe. I am not talking about that messy-fashion-bubble-bath parties where every body is covered with soap.
I am talking about a recipe mixing water, fairy dreft and glycerin, allowing anyone with a string to create 3-4 m big bubbles. It's magical, and fun.
And for the ones that won't be satisfied with a such the girly concept, you can use methane to blow the bubbles and make your own incredible pyrotechnical show, including special effects, with very little money.
You may be sued as well. I did not, and it's worth it. Especially by night on the beach... Watch you friends anyway, it smells like fried chicken, the party will be over.
I know I'm late in the game, but just wanted to add what I think may be another cognitive glitch that should be eradicated. It is really just two words, that often appear in any dialogue.
"Yeah, but..."
It slips out before we know it, and yet it does such damage to any attempt at generating or building ideas.
"Yeah" corresponds to the non-acknowledgment of what was just said, the walking over it. It makes no attempt to bridge the two speakers. It is an override.
"But" is an almost a conversational onomatopoeia, because it actually butts in with the second speaker's preconceived or just-conceived ideas. It begins a new line of thought that negates whatever was just said.
I propose that this little minion of unreflective thought be driven out of our dialogues, especially those that try to reach a deeper understanding of any given issue, or give rise to new ideas. Or even more so, when there is disagreement.
In its stead I might suggest pauses, actual moments of silence or thought phrases ("Hmmm..." etc.), in order to actually take in and process what was said and meld it in some way with what is to come.
More than that, it shifts the goals of dialogue from domination to an intersubjective sensitivity whereby the act of building ideas is more important.
I know this is a small thing, but I feel it is one worth examining in daily life.
Nice mantra.
What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop?
Well its not really a behavior to stop, but what about a behavior to start?
I think if you train yourself to pick up 1 piece of garbage a day, the world would be alot better. Its amazing how much trash is out there, all around us. If each of us was to pick up 1 piece, everyday....well that would make a big difference, and a cleaner happier planet!
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
This ones a little tougher.....I'ld probably rent a couple of those giant blow up bouncers and slides. When ever you see those, they are only at kids parties, and adults don't get to go on them. I think it would be a blast!
Thanks
A bracelet, necklace, or simple marking with a marker could be used to remind the user to calm down and speak without interrupting his or her self.
sort of. they influence each other... like a feedback loop.
so what determines word choice? assuming speaker not reading from script.
metaphor choice.
symbols and interpreted meaning.
do you think will bowen has a metpahor?
of course. everyone does.
some people take their metaphors literally. e.g. they may think that a symbolic event in history used to convey meaning(s) actually took place.
this is how disagreements are made.
all due respect, i wonder if will wants you to have the same metaphor as he does. can he tolerate other metaphors?
only he knows.
If someone says something nice about you, arguing with them is awkward and bad form. Smile, say "thanks," and move on!
Other good books on this subject include:
QBQ - The Question behind the Question by John Miller
How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie
You could have asked how to resize images in iphoto and found this is done through:
file > export > set the file type
I decided that I wasn't going to let anything negative come out of my mouth for 30 days just to see how my world would change. It worked. The first couple of weeks, I didn't contribute much to conversations, but eventually my mind started, without a lot of effort on my part, to come up with positive things to say. Now people think of me as an enormously positive person and I'm able to see opportunities everywhere. It's probably the biggest life-changer I've done in the last ten years.
Try this social experiment. Tiana and I call it: "No More Hand Holding".
Do you ever have friends who you need to nag, repeatedly, to get them to do things that are ultimately in their best interest? Like you have to ask them four times to go to a fun party with you. 75% of the time, these friends just like it that you hold their hand in order to get them to do things. And the other 25% of the time, they flat out refuse, and you feel even stupider for wasting your time.
So the rule is: If someone declines to do something that you know is in their best interest, *after you have explained to them why they should do it*, then you stop. Can you make it for twenty-one days? Actually, this one is easy, because it's so exhilarating to be discharged from the responsibility of helping ungrateful people.